This is what I do: I drop truth bombs.

Well I thought of things to do today.

And I did them.

But I don't care about them anymore.

Have you ever had a day where all the things that you've been dreading and futilely hoping against hope wouldn't happen . . . happen?

I had that day today.

And have you ever imagined, when that time finally came, how you'd react? Have you imagined and prepared yourself to be gracious, forgiving, loving, and Christ-like?

And when it happened, have you ever realized that you are completely the opposite of those things?

Now, whether it's expected for me to be these things or not in these situations (because, frankly, according to the world's view, I have every right NOT to be these things in some situations) is irrelevant. Because what the world expects of me means zilch. It's what God expects and asks of me that matters.

And I failed today.

I have felt bitter, hateful, vengeful, and so, so angry.

And the worst part?

I don't want to stop feeling that way.

Because if I do stop feeling that way then I'll be admitting that my royally stomped-on and abused heart is less important than what God asks me to DO with it.

To be honest with you (those of you who might stumble across this), I have never had this problem before. I usually have a remarkably good time getting over myself and getting over the "wrong" that other people have done to me.

How do I let this go?

Please, give me a three-step plan and a pill to take so that I can move on. Oh dear Lord, if only it were that easy.

I've never dealt with wanting revenge before. I've never seen the point of making another person hurt. This is entirely foreign to me. I live my life in paradigms (don't we all) and I do not have even a hint of a paradigm into which I can plug these feelings.

Besides the fact that actually enacting revenge would seriously damage me personally, not just the recipient of my vengeance, it is completely, utterly, and 100% (are those adjectives descriptive enough to convey the magnitude of this?) NOT in line with God asks of a life lived for Him.

Hopefully you won't be reading too many of these posts, but I have vowed to be honest and confessional here, while still protecting the names and events of others. So. Here was some ugly. I'm praying that Christ can dig into my heart so that I can show you some of His beauty.

Those Darn Cats

I was going to write a blog post about being home and the cats that my parents have, and this post was going to come complete with pictures, but these little buggers seriously do not stay still long enough to take a good picture of them. That, and the camera I currently use is terrible for, you know, good pictures.

I'm grateful I have a digital camera. It's nice to know that I can have my pictures quickly and in an automatic electronic format; however, the camera is not that great for many things, especially if I want to start capturing beautiful landscapes in the land that will soon be my home. I mean, just look at this picture:

Breathtaking. And what I would love more than anything is to be able to take some of those breathtaking photos for all of you who want to see what the real deal is with this place I'll be moving and setting up shop for an undetermined amount of time.

Which brings me to digital cameras. I have a feeling that this might be a tough decision for me. To be honest, all I know about photography is "Oh, this looks pretty," and "I really like the light here!" As far as specs and the, you know, technical stuff goes, I'm pretty much clueless. I'll need help from someone somewhere, but by the time I'll have a dough to purchase a "real" camera, I don't know when I'd actually have the time to shop around and talk to experts and "take my time." I'll need to know what I want so that when I'm in a city that has it, i can just go on in and get it.

In other news, I spent the entire day reading, something I haven't done in a long time. I miss it, and, yes, I'll admit it, I do feel slightly guilty for doing it. I mean, shouldn't I have done something productive with my day? Shouldn't I have maybe taken a shower and changed out of my pajamas? There. And now I have just shamed myself in front of the two of you who will read this. Well, don't tell anyone, ok?

Tomorrow I have plans for DOING THINGS. And don't ask me what those THINGS are because I don't know. All I know is that the THINGS will be productive THINGS and that they will benefit either me or my family in some way. These will be THINGS that will add to my school year planning and THINGS that will ensure I have not wasted my day.

Now, if you don't mind, I need to start figuring out what the heck I'm going to do tomorrow.

Home Away from Home and Future Home

My attempt at a good post today = EPIC fail.

Anyway. I don't feel like retyping all of that stuff again, so let's just get to the bullet points.

-I drove home last night after watching the Shockers get crushed in the Championship.
-I ended up driving home right behind the charter bus carrying those evil Redbirds. Funny.
-I drove to my parents' house, in case you were wondering what "home" was.
-I made it safely and enjoyed the company of their cats since they are out of town at the moment.
-I will be here for a week or so.
-I will make better posts in the future and fix my lack of blog savvy.

The end.

A Lot of Work to Do . . .

Tonight I spent a good portion of time searching the massive and confusing internet for some reading suggestions for my classes next year. In case you didn't know, I will be teaching 8th grade, 10th grade, 12th grade, and speech/forensics. And when I say I'll be teaching these grades, I don't mean that I'll be teaching with another teacher. I will have ALL of the 8th graders. I will have ALL of the 10th graders. And, you guessed it, I will have ALL of the seniors.

This affords me a lot of freedom in my choice of literature, aside from using the textbook of course, but it also gives me a little bit of a panic attack. I mean, I could do ANYTHING with them! So much freedom! So much control! And SO much good literature to choose from!

I also wonder to myself how much I can "get away" with in this new town. I can't wait to get an idea of what other teachers have done there, for, knowing me, I'd want to push my students through some more difficult and multicultural literature. I love things that deal with race, religion, disability, age, and hot-button topics. Hopefully my administrators will love choices like that, too.

Here are some of my choices for my eighth graders. I have always loved The Giver. It is such a great book and I know that kids can get a lot out of it. Along with The Giver, I also read Night in 8th grade. It started my interest in all things Holocaust-related, and I really enjoyed it. This might be a little difficult for 8th graders, but I bet I could get them through it. The book Island of the Blue Dolphins was something I read on my own in my middle school years and I really loved it. The story, the vocabulary, everything was so new to me. As for the first picture up there, I only read The Hunger Games this year because it's so new, but I could not put it down. If I could get my students through it (it's really long!) I just know we'd have a good time.

The selections for my sophomores, as expected, are the most difficult. There are some books that I know all sophomores should read, so, instead, I've posted here the books I dream about going through with 10th graders. The Joy Luck Club is rich in culture and would present a good challenge for my 10th graders, but if World Literature is in a different year, I might have to forgo this one. The Awakening is one of those works that contains difficult subject matter, but if I could take my students through it, the depth of conversation and the life topics we could cover would be so exciting. Flowers for Algernon is a book that I read a few years ago because I knew it was one of those classics that everyone should read. Loved it. And it would be very accessible and exciting for my students. I have always been grateful to my 8th grade English teacher for making us read Alas, Babylon. This books has always stuck with me and floats around in my head quite often. I could do this with either 8th grade or 10th grade.

Now for my senior literature. This is probably the most challenging category because the senior year in most high schools varies because of all the different options available. Since I'll have only one option, I'm going to try to format it like an AP Literature/IB World Literature course. This means some difficult and very GOOD literature. The Twilight Years, like Alas, Babylon, has stuck with me ever since I read it in my junior IB course. I found it heartbreaking, touching, and very diverse (it deals with multiple levels of culture, age, and disability). The only book on this post that I have not read yet (although, trust me, there are more than I'd like to admit on my master list in front of me) is Camus's The Stranger. It's one of those that I think would really challenge me personally and as a teacher. I'm going to try to read it this summer. Jhumpa Lahiri's Interpreter of Maladies was introduced to me in college and I loved every word of it. It includes so much detail about Indian culture and heritage, and because it's actually a collection of short stories, I could do excerpts from it, if needed. 1984, a staple in almost every senior English course, is on my list as well. I liked the way I saw another teacher do it once, so I might try that.

It was fun coming up with these things tonight, so I'm looking forward to re-reading, analyzing, and planning. It might sound dull to some of you, but I'm excited for it!

Die Hard

Ok, first I have to say that my fatigue today was completely my fault. I stayed up way too late the night before. As in, 4:30 a.m. And I had an interview at 7:30 this morning! I know. Shake your heads and fingers at me.

Anyway, I made it up and got to the interview, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. By the way, what does that saying really mean? I actually don't know. So, I get there and it's pretty much adrenaline that's keeping me focused and able to talk. The interview goes well. They like me, I like them. They like my questions. I get the "deluxe" tour of the school.

Come home and just crash on the couch. SO exhausted, physically and mentally. I have until 1:00 p.m. to hear from this interview and until 5:00 to hear from the other school in Wichita. I try to focus on something, anything, but that proves much too difficult for my fatigued body. I wake up at noon. No calls. Kill time for an hour and a half. No calls. So much for that interview.

Can I just say that I don't handle rejection very well? I mean, I could handle it no problem if I knew I'd totally blown it, but I really felt good about that interview. Especially because I was so tired during it! I really felt like my time with them had been wasted. And I know that because the interview was so good and they still didn't want me that means that God is definitely doing something in this situation. He just doesn't want me at that school. Actually, when 4:45 p.m. rolled around it was clear He didn't want me in Wichita either.

I call the principal in Ashland and tell him that I would love to accept the position. As we're talking I have a Word document up on my computer trying to write down all of the crazy things I need to do. I'm slowly beginning to freak out. The things on that list are crazy! Real, ADULT decisions! Welcome to the real world, MB.

Then I make some phone calls, write some e-mails, and update my ever-changing Facebook status. I never got much of a response from these, and, to be honest, I was a little hurt. I really thought people would have more to say about this major change. Maybe people were taken aback by the news. Who knows.

Celebration dinner with the C's. Steak, grilled veggies, and salad. Yum. Then another crash. I wake up at 10:00 p.m. and head out to the Shocker Baseball game. That's right. You heard me. A Shocker game at 10:30 p.m. Ridiculous, right? Well, you're not wrong. The rain earlier today delayed everything significantly, so the game started at the time it was originally scheduled to finish.

And let me tell you. It was a tough game. Late. Tired. Cranky. And some poor playing by the Shockers. They still won, but it was tough. You know how there are nail-biters and then there are NAIL-BITERS? Well, this was a NAIL-BITER. It was one of those games where you just pray that it will all end soon because the team's performance is slowly backsliding and we can't afford any more mistakes. Players screaming. Coaches and umps fighting. Me throwing sunflower seeds at the sky and shouting curses. Ok, not really shouting curses, but some sunflower seeds definitely saw some air time. Ugh. The entire stadium was freaking out. But we pulled it out.

You can bet those boys will be running LOTS of laps tomorrow because of tonight.

Anyway, a long day. A big day. So tired now. Sleep please.

One Year, Many Changes

Well, it's been a very long year since I've updated this blog. It's also been a very eventful year. I've graduated. Hours ago I accepted a position in Ashland, KS as a high school English teacher. I'm newly single.

I feel like an onion. The comfortable, but crusty, outer layer has been peeled off of me (and let's be honest, sometimes it feels like it was ripped), and I'm fresh and shiny for what God has for me. And OH! What an appropriate metaphor. Like a freshly peeled onion, the results often cause some tears. But I'm trusting.

Here is my future land of residence.

It truly is beautiful. I'm looking forward to rolling hills and miles and miles of open space. And I better be, because let me tell you. That's all I'm going to get! The closest Wal-Mart is an hour away, so forget about any sort of upper level stores! I'm going to learn how to live like a real person.

I'm going to admit something to you all. I was pretty apprehensive when I rolled into that town. With a population less than half the size of the student BODY at my student teaching school, it was quite different right away. And as I looked at the town, I could quite literally FEEL that difference. Everyone knew everyone else. You walk to Main Street and school and everywhere else. You walk into the main little diner in town and the one waitress knows your name. I watched every single person who actually drove a car onto Main Street just leave the car running and pop into the shops. No one stops or locks their cars/houses/businesses, etc.

This is their WebSite homepage. Can you see how easily it would lure me in? Rolling hills, beautiful red dirt, picture-perfect blue sky. Breathtaking. I looked for this view on my drive into the town, but I didn't see anything that looked like this. This must be a different highway than the one I drove in on.

As you can imagine out in the Country, regular cell phone service does not work too well. So this brings my post full circle. I'm starting this blog up again and I am determined to keep it going. Since switching cell phone providers will be annoying and also because I really hate talking on the phone (sorry for those of you who love it!), I won't really feel like giving people updates on the phone. This blog will be the best way for those of you who want to keep tabs on me to do so. What is MB up to? What does daily life look like in small-town Kansas? Visit her constantly-updated (let's hope) blog to find out!

I'll do my best to keep the updates current, constant, and candid. Look at that alliteration! I am going to ROCK the socks off those kids with my mad English skills.

Anyway, keep yourself update on what's going on and come visit my blog often. Hopefully it will be illuminating for you.