This is what I do: I drop truth bombs.

Well I thought of things to do today.

And I did them.

But I don't care about them anymore.

Have you ever had a day where all the things that you've been dreading and futilely hoping against hope wouldn't happen . . . happen?

I had that day today.

And have you ever imagined, when that time finally came, how you'd react? Have you imagined and prepared yourself to be gracious, forgiving, loving, and Christ-like?

And when it happened, have you ever realized that you are completely the opposite of those things?

Now, whether it's expected for me to be these things or not in these situations (because, frankly, according to the world's view, I have every right NOT to be these things in some situations) is irrelevant. Because what the world expects of me means zilch. It's what God expects and asks of me that matters.

And I failed today.

I have felt bitter, hateful, vengeful, and so, so angry.

And the worst part?

I don't want to stop feeling that way.

Because if I do stop feeling that way then I'll be admitting that my royally stomped-on and abused heart is less important than what God asks me to DO with it.

To be honest with you (those of you who might stumble across this), I have never had this problem before. I usually have a remarkably good time getting over myself and getting over the "wrong" that other people have done to me.

How do I let this go?

Please, give me a three-step plan and a pill to take so that I can move on. Oh dear Lord, if only it were that easy.

I've never dealt with wanting revenge before. I've never seen the point of making another person hurt. This is entirely foreign to me. I live my life in paradigms (don't we all) and I do not have even a hint of a paradigm into which I can plug these feelings.

Besides the fact that actually enacting revenge would seriously damage me personally, not just the recipient of my vengeance, it is completely, utterly, and 100% (are those adjectives descriptive enough to convey the magnitude of this?) NOT in line with God asks of a life lived for Him.

Hopefully you won't be reading too many of these posts, but I have vowed to be honest and confessional here, while still protecting the names and events of others. So. Here was some ugly. I'm praying that Christ can dig into my heart so that I can show you some of His beauty.