This most recent season in my life has been rough. Very rough.
I've processed through almost all of it with the people in my life who love me and care about me. I'm sure more of it will come from time to time, but for now I'm all processed-out.
I would love to share this season of my life with you, but it's been so rough that I don't think it would be a good idea.
In a nutshell:
1. I let myself fall away from God.
2. I made unwise choices.
3. My heart became tied to those choices.
4. The inevitable fallout happened, and my heart got smashed.
5. I had to admit my failure and accept the consequences.
6. I'm now taking my mangled and tender heart before Jesus, asking Him for forgiveness, and promising to love and obey Him yet again.
7. He will love me, forever and ever, Amen, and he can heal that hurt inside me, though it may take a very long time. The consequences of my choices will not be easy.
I am ok. I am healthy, and I have friends and family who love me dearly.
The rest will come with time.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Life is joyously hard
I spent time talking to a friend of mine today, and she helped me come to a sort-of revelation about myself.
I was filling her in on my life, the various ups and downs (and of course, there are always downs), yet everything I said to her ended with an exclamation mark. The tough parts of my life were always tempered with the good. And the good far outweighed the bad.
She was quiet for a second, and then she asked me, "Is life ever hard for you?"
I had to think about it for a minute, and I've been thinking about it all evening as well.
I mean, sure I have struggles just like any other person. I have weekly stresses like we all do:
-Sunday evenings stink because I'm lonely and school is the next day
-It's harder and harder to not let my personal life affect my attitude at work
-I have reports to turn into my boss and get regular evaluations
I also have larger life stresses like other people:
-I'm working on becoming financially responsible and finding it hard
-I want to excel professionally and impress my boss and coworkers
-I've opened my heart to people which makes it easier to get hurt
-I'm trying to find harmony between my spiritual, professional, and personal lives
And while some of these larger life stresses have recently weighed heavy on my heart, I'm currently laying here on my living room floor and typing this blog post with a song in my heart and simply giddy with love and positivity.
Many people reading this post have experienced difficulties in life that I can't even imagine. Sometimes God deals people crap hands in life because that person has the strength to deal with it. That person will come out of the pressure and the fire a beautiful diamond, as long as he/she doesn't back down from the trouble and pain.
I've got to say that I've yet to be tested to my utmost limit of endurance. Perhaps the thing that helps me is that I look for God in every single detail of my life. When a struggle arrives I immediately ask what He is doing in it. I never have any idea at the time, but it helps to ask at least. And when a struggle leaves I ask what He did in that struggle.
And I always find what He did. What He wanted to teach me. And I vow to accept that teaching and learn from it.
And in my very short span of life on this earth, I've learned that absolutely everything in my life has been for gain and benefit.
I have cried tears of despair so thick while driving that I simply had to pray I'd make it home. I've been betrayed by people I love, and I've lost friends I considered my best. I've been emotionally abused for years on end and have thought myself worthless more times than I can imagine.
And yet at this very moment, when I look back on those times, I almost cherish them.
They were incredibly hard for me. Yet this joyous woman I am at 9:50 on a Monday night would not be here without them.
I suppose my "secret" might be the fact that I never try to forget hardship. I let it come and go, and then I dig deep to find what can be learned from it. Then I hold that lesson hard in my heart. Then the hardship becomes gain in my life.
And, by the way, that lesson for me is that God is always, always faithful and He will never give me more than I can bear.
Which, laying here as joyous as I am, is both a sobering and an exciting thought.
Sobering because I know He has much harder things in store for me.
And exciting because they will show me just how strong I can be.
I was filling her in on my life, the various ups and downs (and of course, there are always downs), yet everything I said to her ended with an exclamation mark. The tough parts of my life were always tempered with the good. And the good far outweighed the bad.
She was quiet for a second, and then she asked me, "Is life ever hard for you?"
I had to think about it for a minute, and I've been thinking about it all evening as well.
I mean, sure I have struggles just like any other person. I have weekly stresses like we all do:
-Sunday evenings stink because I'm lonely and school is the next day
-It's harder and harder to not let my personal life affect my attitude at work
-I have reports to turn into my boss and get regular evaluations
I also have larger life stresses like other people:
-I'm working on becoming financially responsible and finding it hard
-I want to excel professionally and impress my boss and coworkers
-I've opened my heart to people which makes it easier to get hurt
-I'm trying to find harmony between my spiritual, professional, and personal lives
And while some of these larger life stresses have recently weighed heavy on my heart, I'm currently laying here on my living room floor and typing this blog post with a song in my heart and simply giddy with love and positivity.
Many people reading this post have experienced difficulties in life that I can't even imagine. Sometimes God deals people crap hands in life because that person has the strength to deal with it. That person will come out of the pressure and the fire a beautiful diamond, as long as he/she doesn't back down from the trouble and pain.
I've got to say that I've yet to be tested to my utmost limit of endurance. Perhaps the thing that helps me is that I look for God in every single detail of my life. When a struggle arrives I immediately ask what He is doing in it. I never have any idea at the time, but it helps to ask at least. And when a struggle leaves I ask what He did in that struggle.
And I always find what He did. What He wanted to teach me. And I vow to accept that teaching and learn from it.
And in my very short span of life on this earth, I've learned that absolutely everything in my life has been for gain and benefit.
I have cried tears of despair so thick while driving that I simply had to pray I'd make it home. I've been betrayed by people I love, and I've lost friends I considered my best. I've been emotionally abused for years on end and have thought myself worthless more times than I can imagine.
And yet at this very moment, when I look back on those times, I almost cherish them.
They were incredibly hard for me. Yet this joyous woman I am at 9:50 on a Monday night would not be here without them.
I suppose my "secret" might be the fact that I never try to forget hardship. I let it come and go, and then I dig deep to find what can be learned from it. Then I hold that lesson hard in my heart. Then the hardship becomes gain in my life.
And, by the way, that lesson for me is that God is always, always faithful and He will never give me more than I can bear.
Which, laying here as joyous as I am, is both a sobering and an exciting thought.
Sobering because I know He has much harder things in store for me.
And exciting because they will show me just how strong I can be.
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