Sinking In

I haven't written here in quite awhile. And it's been even longer since I wrote poetry of my own. I used to be so prolific, but the things in my head got too hard to translate to paper the longer that I let them stay out of a pen.

This morning I woke up and began composing. Granted, it was because the world's most incredible man composed one of his own for me yesterday [and I'm not confirming anything, but it may or may not have made me tear up].

So I went to bed telling myself that I was going to write something today. And I woke up with lines running around my brain, so I had to scramble quickly to grab my computer and get them down before they ran off. Because, truly, as any poet or writer knows, a good line only floats around your brain long enough to torment you with half-remembered fragments by the time you finally get pen to paper.

And something came out of my fingertips. And it was a joy to examine rhythms again and play with spacing and punctuation, add dashes of humor and have Thesaurus.com and Dictionary.com open in my web browser while writing.

Ah, the joy of writing. As my man likes to say, "Words are fun!"

Yes, they are, my darling. And these happen to be for you:

Pulling your arms even tighter

around me, I wonder—

Can I sink into your skin?

Into that voice that lilts and dances

in an unconscious cadence

of charm and swirls

beautiful and sincere and breathtaking

words around like Monet….

Or is it Manet? Either way—

I love it.

Into that face that radiates

awestruck wonder so clearly

it’s like my mirror and then I wonder

how my chin became so strong

or my eyebrows so long

or how that dusting of freckles

suddenly appeared just under

my sure, brown eyes.

Into [Oh! Van Gogh!] that chest

where under ribs and all the rest

of that precious ligature hangs

a heart—as fixed onto my own

beating organ as it is into the hold and keep

of that chest and which I plan to hold and keep

as long as I can still press my ear

close and listen. 

I'm back....and life is in motion...

Today I participated in a survey for a government organization on mental health and substance abuse. 

No, I've never suffered from either of those things, thank the Lord, but nevertheless, the questions on this survey got quite personal. And I was forced to rehash most of the reasons that I stopped blogging for a very long period of time. 

And it didn't make it any better that the woman administering the survey kept saying things like, "Oh, I'm so sorry" or "That must have been very hard for you." I know she was trained to say those things. 

Yet, at the same time, the tears I cried after that survey were refreshing, for a new stage of my life has been reached. 

You see, God healed my heart quickly. Then God healed my relationships with the people in my life. Then He brought me back to my knees in the beauty of His majesty. And then He finally broadened my back so I could forgive myself for so callously disobeying Him. And then the sweet peace and relief of His mercy filled my heart. 

And then, two days later, He gave me a gift. God gave me something so right and so beautiful that I am still breathless when I think about it. 

I have never before felt so blessed and so utterly undeserving of such a precious gift. 

I can't wait to share more with all of you as this gift unfolds in my life. It's already the most exciting time in my life, and I only see it becoming more exciting. 

So. Faithful followers. Sorry for the long delay in my posts. 

Be ready for more. 

And more excitement to come....

Choices

This most recent season in my life has been rough. Very rough.

I've processed through almost all of it with the people in my life who love me and care about me. I'm sure more of it will come from time to time, but for now I'm all processed-out.

I would love to share this season of my life with you, but it's been so rough that I don't think it would be a good idea.

In a nutshell:

1. I let myself fall away from God.
2. I made unwise choices.
3. My heart became tied to those choices.
4. The inevitable fallout happened, and my heart got smashed.
5. I had to admit my failure and accept the consequences.
6. I'm now taking my mangled and tender heart before Jesus, asking Him for forgiveness, and promising to love and obey Him yet again.
7. He will love me, forever and ever, Amen, and he can heal that hurt inside me, though it may take a very long time. The consequences of my choices will not be easy.

I am ok. I am healthy, and I have friends and family who love me dearly.

The rest will come with time.

Life is joyously hard

I spent time talking to a friend of mine today, and she helped me come to a sort-of revelation about myself.

I was filling her in on my life, the various ups and downs (and of course, there are always downs), yet everything I said to her ended with an exclamation mark. The tough parts of my life were always tempered with the good. And the good far outweighed the bad.

She was quiet for a second, and then she asked me, "Is life ever hard for you?"

I had to think about it for a minute, and I've been thinking about it all evening as well.

I mean, sure I have struggles just like any other person. I have weekly stresses like we all do:

-Sunday evenings stink because I'm lonely and school is the next day
-It's harder and harder to not let my personal life affect my attitude at work
-I have reports to turn into my boss and get regular evaluations

I also have larger life stresses like other people:

-I'm working on becoming financially responsible and finding it hard
-I want to excel professionally and impress my boss and coworkers
-I've opened my heart to people which makes it easier to get hurt
-I'm trying to find harmony between my spiritual, professional, and personal lives

And while some of these larger life stresses have recently weighed heavy on my heart, I'm currently laying here on my living room floor and typing this blog post with a song in my heart and simply giddy with love and positivity.

Many people reading this post have experienced difficulties in life that I can't even imagine. Sometimes God deals people crap hands in life because that person has the strength to deal with it. That person will come out of the pressure and the fire a beautiful diamond, as long as he/she doesn't back down from the trouble and pain.

I've got to say that I've yet to be tested to my utmost limit of endurance. Perhaps the thing that helps me is that I look for God in every single detail of my life. When a struggle arrives I immediately ask what He is doing in it. I never have any idea at the time, but it helps to ask at least. And when a struggle leaves I ask what He did in that struggle.

And I always find what He did. What He wanted to teach me. And I vow to accept that teaching and learn from it.

And in my very short span of life on this earth, I've learned that absolutely everything in my life has been for gain and benefit.

I have cried tears of despair so thick while driving that I simply had to pray I'd make it home. I've been betrayed by people I love, and I've lost friends I considered my best. I've been emotionally abused for years on end and have thought myself worthless more times than I can imagine.

And yet at this very moment, when I look back on those times, I almost cherish them.

They were incredibly hard for me. Yet this joyous woman I am at 9:50 on a Monday night would not be here without them.

I suppose my "secret" might be the fact that I never try to forget hardship. I let it come and go, and then I dig deep to find what can be learned from it. Then I hold that lesson hard in my heart. Then the hardship becomes gain in my life.

And, by the way, that lesson for me is that God is always, always faithful and He will never give me more than I can bear.

Which, laying here as joyous as I am, is both a sobering and an exciting thought.

Sobering because I know He has much harder things in store for me.
And exciting because they will show me just how strong I can be.

I am alive. Very alive.

Ok, so I've been sufficiently chastised for not posting for, um, almost four months.

Wow, ok, so maybe I deserved the finger-shakings sent my way. Yikes. The things you all have missed when it comes to my life! Because I know you hang on my every word....

Either way, I'm back and let's get started.

Summer


Summer was amazing. It was wonderful. I wasn't bored. I ended up going to the pool the very next day after writing my post about being bored and lonely, and I finally got to see people. It was so refreshing that I went back the next day. And the next. And the next. And almost every day after that. I became a regular pool bunny!

Which, by the way, is a weird phrase. Am I using that correctly? Pool bunny? Eh, who knows.

I ended up losing about 15 pounds. Without trying. Ah, are any two words more magical when it comes to weight loss? I got more tan than I've ever been in my life. I was active and moving around like crazy. It was such a great time for me.

Friends


Oh my goodness, I finally made those friends! People to hang out with every single day of the summer.

I was never alone. I developed a special little group, and we all loved each other.

And many of them were those seniors that I had graduated in May. We became legitimate friends. And I got friends of my own age too!

Honestly, I had no idea how lonely I'd been during the last school year until finally being with people every single day. Something in my heart was filled again.

------------

There are lots of fun stories from the summer, but instead of immortalizing them here, I think I will let them stay in my mind. It was special and unique in many ways, and I took a break from blogging for a reason. I'm leaving everything else from this summer in the summer.

This blog was often very open and very personal last year. Not only when it came to work and school, but also when it came to my heart and my thoughts. However, this year my heart and my deep, personal thoughts will appear less on this blog. Whether that saddens you or relieves you, that's the way I'm going to do it this year. I finally have enough people I actually talk to, so this place will receive less of that.

One day soon, I hope to open up here again, but I'm closing up for a little while.

Otherwise, get ready for more fun things when it comes to school and life in a small town!

I'm back!

Cat bathing

Thus far my summer has been the most interesting and eventful of my life.

Last summer I spend a lot of time internalizing. A lot of time thinking. A lot of time spilling all the stuff here.

This summer I'm finding myself doing a lot less of that.

I'm living my life in externals this summer.

I'm getting out of my head. I'm spending time with friends. I'm forging new relationships with people. I'm exploring new things [I totally shot a gun for the first time and it was awesome].

One thing I did do the other day?

Gave my cat a bath.

Holy yikes that was a lovely experience.

The sounds that came out of that animal. It was like she was dying. She sounded like a human child in the revving up stage of a tantrum. Does that make sense?

Either way, it made me nervous about what others might think was going on inside my house. Luckily the windows have been closed for the week since I finally caved and turned on the AC.

-----

Well, this post wasn't too eventful or exciting, so we'll wait for the next ones to come out. Upcoming topics include:

1. Gossip. Why do people do it and what does it gain them? Especially when they don't know the truth.
2. The Pool. Why I am suddenly so attracted to it and why I spend a lot of time there.

I'm not dead . . . see?

Ok, I've been sufficiently chastised about my lack of posting.

So it's happening now.

School is over. The last time I posted school felt like it was far from over. I thought that I was stressed in earlier parts of the year, but I had no idea what was in store for me until I hit May. Wow. That was like being run over by a Mack truck. Every single day. Because I wasn't just stressed by my job or the time of the year, I was also stressed emotionally.

A good friend of mine warned me about graduating seniors. The stress they put on those teachers who truly love them and the hole they can rip in your heart.

That sounds dramatic, huh? Let me explain.

We'll establish some points first.
1. I truly loved my seniors. That was easy enough.
2. They were already special to me because they were my first seniors.
3. We were all looking forward to being friends.

So then their last day happens. We had our awards day, and it was wonderful. We all laughed knowing laughs when I described The Manipulator, shed some tears when I revealed The Arm, and gasped in amazement when we saw the portraits of The Emotional Arguer and The Possessor. It was a fun hour. It was a fun last day for them as well. I had visits and company in all of my subsequent hours. I tried to soak it in.

Then I accompanied the seniors on their senior skip day. It was a great day. Go Karts, rock climbing, Olive Garden, ice skating, the mall, seeing a movie. One of them couldn't make it on the trip however. My first pangs of sadness began.

That weekend my friend, Ann, and I tagged cars with my fellow teacher, Mr. G. Senior cars. And it was such a fun night. Especially because my "sons" showed up and played a great prank on me. Sidenote: that is why I love teaching in a small town. I could never interact with my students in that way if I was in a larger town or school. We ran around, tagged the cars, and had an awesome time.

Then came graduation day. I visited receptions all afternoon. They were good. Not painful at all. Then came graduation. I did my part. I sang. It went well. Then graduation started. They walked across the stage and got their pieces of paper and turned their tassels. Yes, I cried. They were done. I was done officially teaching them and having an established place in their lives.

That evening I went to another reception. I had a good time. I'll admit, I felt a little out of place at times. I imagine it'll take me a few more years to be able to just sit with people from around town and feel like I'm part of the conversation. Sometimes I still feel like an outsider. And there were other circumstances at hand. Anyway, there was a jumbo Jenga game. Saturday Night Live to watch (a favorite of mine, of course). And an Xbox trivia game which I dominated.

Then came the last official week of school. That first day back was torture. I'll admit it. I had an awful day. The rest of the week got better. School ended. Most of my seniors came back to visit with me, which cheered me immensely. The last day of school was celebrated by myself and some fellow employees. That was my first time of relaxation since . . . well, the school year began. Then I went to state track and state baseball.

And now I'm sitting here on my front porch and it's the second night of my official summer.

And I feel lonely.
And I feel bored.
And I feel unproductive.

Even though this is only my second day alone.
Even though I have lots of things on my summer To Do list.
Even though I've already worked through a few of them.

I used to do so well when it came to getting people in my life. I had finally become comfortable with calling up people and getting things together. I truly believe that loneliness is a choice. There are lots of people that I love that I know love me back and would really enjoy spending time together. The fact that I sit at home alone is entirely up to me because hey! I have a phone. I can call them. And they would most likely come over.

The hard part is that the people here that I love and want to spend time with were my students less than two weeks ago. Calling them and inviting them to actually hang out with me and do things still feels taboo. Talking to them is no problem. But setting up hang out times? I'm nervous and insecure all over again. What if they don't want to hang out with me? What if it's too weird? What if I'm boring and uncool and blah blah blah.

Lame, huh?

This is why insecurity is so annoying to the people who have to hear about it from others.

Because it's so STUPID.

For all I know they're feeling the same things I am, only on the other side of the coin. I bet they're thinking, "Why would Miss Martin (whoops, I meant to call her MB!) want to hang out with me? I'm probably not old enough for her to want to hang out. I bet she'd think hanging out with me was boring or stupid."

Ugh.

Come on new friends! Let's be boring together!