I'm back....and life is in motion...

Today I participated in a survey for a government organization on mental health and substance abuse. 

No, I've never suffered from either of those things, thank the Lord, but nevertheless, the questions on this survey got quite personal. And I was forced to rehash most of the reasons that I stopped blogging for a very long period of time. 

And it didn't make it any better that the woman administering the survey kept saying things like, "Oh, I'm so sorry" or "That must have been very hard for you." I know she was trained to say those things. 

Yet, at the same time, the tears I cried after that survey were refreshing, for a new stage of my life has been reached. 

You see, God healed my heart quickly. Then God healed my relationships with the people in my life. Then He brought me back to my knees in the beauty of His majesty. And then He finally broadened my back so I could forgive myself for so callously disobeying Him. And then the sweet peace and relief of His mercy filled my heart. 

And then, two days later, He gave me a gift. God gave me something so right and so beautiful that I am still breathless when I think about it. 

I have never before felt so blessed and so utterly undeserving of such a precious gift. 

I can't wait to share more with all of you as this gift unfolds in my life. It's already the most exciting time in my life, and I only see it becoming more exciting. 

So. Faithful followers. Sorry for the long delay in my posts. 

Be ready for more. 

And more excitement to come....

I am alive. Very alive.

Ok, so I've been sufficiently chastised for not posting for, um, almost four months.

Wow, ok, so maybe I deserved the finger-shakings sent my way. Yikes. The things you all have missed when it comes to my life! Because I know you hang on my every word....

Either way, I'm back and let's get started.

Summer


Summer was amazing. It was wonderful. I wasn't bored. I ended up going to the pool the very next day after writing my post about being bored and lonely, and I finally got to see people. It was so refreshing that I went back the next day. And the next. And the next. And almost every day after that. I became a regular pool bunny!

Which, by the way, is a weird phrase. Am I using that correctly? Pool bunny? Eh, who knows.

I ended up losing about 15 pounds. Without trying. Ah, are any two words more magical when it comes to weight loss? I got more tan than I've ever been in my life. I was active and moving around like crazy. It was such a great time for me.

Friends


Oh my goodness, I finally made those friends! People to hang out with every single day of the summer.

I was never alone. I developed a special little group, and we all loved each other.

And many of them were those seniors that I had graduated in May. We became legitimate friends. And I got friends of my own age too!

Honestly, I had no idea how lonely I'd been during the last school year until finally being with people every single day. Something in my heart was filled again.

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There are lots of fun stories from the summer, but instead of immortalizing them here, I think I will let them stay in my mind. It was special and unique in many ways, and I took a break from blogging for a reason. I'm leaving everything else from this summer in the summer.

This blog was often very open and very personal last year. Not only when it came to work and school, but also when it came to my heart and my thoughts. However, this year my heart and my deep, personal thoughts will appear less on this blog. Whether that saddens you or relieves you, that's the way I'm going to do it this year. I finally have enough people I actually talk to, so this place will receive less of that.

One day soon, I hope to open up here again, but I'm closing up for a little while.

Otherwise, get ready for more fun things when it comes to school and life in a small town!

I'm back!

Hearts are not Hot Wheels

My friend led me to this song, and I am so grateful to her for it.

One, it's beautiful.

Two, it's a reminder that I have to be careful with my heart. She really wants to be captured, but sometimes she wants it so badly that she could let a man capture it who would use it up and then release it.

You know (and ladies, please feel free to chime in with an amen), I don't put my heart out to be caught and released. My heart is not part of the wildlife tagging program. I don't want a man to tag me, put me back out there, keep me on his radar, and pick me back up every three months for a check-up.

No girl does.

Pardon my phrasing, but if a lady is out there to hit it and quit it, ain't no way a man is seeing even a sliver of her heart. Hell no.

Right girls?

If my heart is out there to be caught, it better be for keeps. I'm not saying marriage. That's a lot. But she wants to be caught, kept, and learned until she's been tamed (and bravo to the man who does that-it'll take someone strong). Or until it's clear that's not who's meant to keep her.

Pardon me while I continue for a bit longer--we had an early release day, so I have extra time on my hands.

I know how good it feels to win someone's heart for the sake of winning it and NOT for the sake of keeping it. I felt wanted. I felt desired. I felt strong and powerful. And I'm not proud to admit it, but I used him.

It wasn't until years later that I realized just how wrong of me that was. That it's one thing to test the waters to see if he's a good fit. But it's another thing to know he's not one I truly want yet still flirt, cajole, whisper, and kiss (yes kiss).

I used him to pass my time.

He got hurt. Really hurt.

I'd like to say that I was able to apologize to him when I realized how badly I'd treated his heart. But, you see, I couldn't because we weren't friends anymore. He intentionally disappeared from me so I wouldn't hurt him anymore.

I still can't find him.

Why do I tell you all this, gentle readers? Well, boys and girls, it's partly because that's what I do here and partly because I hope this resonates with you in some way. We've all had our hearts touched by others and touched hearts ourselves. Some of our hearts have been mishandled. And some of us have handled the hearts of others poorly. Maybe, like me, you didn't know. I didn't think I was hurting his heart. We were having fun! He was smiling, happy, enjoying it!

I should have seen it. I wish I had.

He was too open with me. Too honest with me. Too available at all hours, too willing to drop his plans for mine, and too willing to share the deepest thoughts in his head. That wasn't just "for fun" folks. That's a boy who wanted me to keep his heart safe.

And I didn't.

He wanted me to treat it like a brand new dream car: maintained, polished, understood, and driven at maximum speed.

Instead I treated it like a Hot Wheel: fun, cute, and easy to toss aside while I played with my others.

My heart is not a Hot Wheel to be played with. Sure, she's fun, but she's fun because she's a sweet ride with all the bells and whistles. She's got some miles on her, but she's got a lot more to go.

--

In honor of that, this song (remember me mentioning a song at the beginning of the post? No? Well, it was a long time ago) perfectly illustrates what I'm talking about.

For those of you who like to play with Hot Wheels, please, please, please think about what you're doing. And for those of you who have been used, please, please, please know that your heart is precious and lovely and deserves to be loved. You're not disposable. You're lovely.

The monolith has finally left my chest . . .

Something finally lifted from me on Saturday night. Something that's been lurking in the back of my brain and evading all my attempts to corner it and kick it out (much like my pesky cat when she gets under my bed. you think you've got her, but no. she simply rushes out and around to the other side.).

It's taken four months, but my bitterness has finally lifted and true forgiveness has settled into its place.

A few caveats for you:

1. Four months, you say? That's nothing! Well friends, let me tell you, that's like a lifetime to me. I am literally incapable of keeping a grudge or holding things against others. Usually bitterness just slides off me overnight, and I don't think I've ever dealt with it for more than a week--and trust me, that was tough. So imagine how hard four straight months has been.

2. I am 100% aware that the person I've forgiven doesn't even need to be forgiven. He technically did nothing wrong. But, you know, hearts just don't care about technicalities, do they? Can I get an amen?

3. I'm not going to go back into the details of the situation. One of the great things about true forgiveness is the fact that the book on that particular time is closed. I've learned my lesson, and I've stored it away, but I'm not going to rehash it here for your entertainment, so back off. Love you!


And now, on to the good stuff!

--

A lot of my readers don't know this, but this was what my life has looked like for almost the last seven years:

Looking at these pictures no longer pains my heart. 

I cherish the times we had. Life has moved us forward without each other, and I'm excited about that now. 

Honestly. 

Closed Doors

God's been doing something in my heart over the last few weeks, and I suppose, looking back, it's been a year-long process.

My heart loved where I was a year ago. I was in a long-term relationship with an incredible man. I had the coolest group of friends that any girl could ever ask for. I lived with some amazing gracious and generous people. My family was supportive, on track with each other, and keeping in touch. My church family was amazing. And school made me happy. I had finally planted. I had real, deep roots taking hold.

Then God decided that He wanted me somewhere else.

He took my relationship and stretched it and pulled it. Things felt unsettled, difficult, strange. He banged on the door to my heart and said Hey, little girl. You better take a long hard look at what I really want for your life. And then I listened. Darn it when you finally listen, huh? And I saw what He wanted for my life. And it wasn't the man I was with.

God closed that door.

He showed me a job three hours away that got my heart racing, for some reason. It fell in line perfectly. And then I was terrified. I couldn't move away! I would miss my family, my friends, my church! This couldn't be what was in store for me! So I tried, desperately, to stay. I prepped for interviews like crazy. I rehearsed in the mirror. I dressed perfectly for each, individual location. I was charming, warm, intelligent, and relaxed. They liked me, and I liked them. And no one called me back. People were shocked. I was shocked. I had nailed those interviews, people. You know the Tiger Woods arm pump? Yeah, I was doing that in the car after the interviews. NAILED them. The explanation for no calls?

God closed that door.

I've been looking at the closed doors and wondering to myself just what He's closing off. Deep inside I've always felt a pull away from Wichita. I always chalked it up to restlessness, but the more I've looked at it, the more I'm realizing that God's closing very specific doors for very specific reasons.

He's breaking my ties to the specific city of Wichita.

The bonds of friendship and church family can transcend distance. I will always be friends with the people here in Wichita. A church family will always be there for me, and we will forever be part of the big "C" church together. That tie will never be broken.

But a relationship can tie you to a location. And he and I both felt strange pulls away from Wichita, but who could have known that those pulls were meant to pull us apart, rather than away from Wichita together. And a job, well of course that can tie you to a location. God has cut very specific things for me.

I don't know about Ashland. It's where He wants me right now. But I just feel like I've run a marathon to the edge of a cliff, and I'm camping for the night before diving off the edge. Ashland is my campground. I might be jumping into a life in Ashland, who knows? But I might also be jumping into a life in Denver, Kansas City, Portland, Scotland, Ethiopia, Russia, Japan, or anywhere else in the world. He hasn't said no to anything except Wichita.

And it pains me to write that. Because I love my Wichita family so much. And I know that they want me to come back. But God doesn't want that.

I will love Wichita and what it meant to me forever.

And I will try to move forward into the unknown with courage and trust in the Lord.

Emotional Boxer

I discovered something about myself today that really should have been obvious, but for some reason keeps eluding me. Either that, or I already know this fact about myself and still decide not to make changes based on my knowledge.

When someone asks me how I'm doing in the long process of letting my heart heal, my first action is to tell that person about the most recent development in my heart's difficult journey. By doing this, I'm accomplishing many things (not all of them noble, by the way), but by far the clearest thing I accomplish is a freshly angered and unsettled heart.

You know that sort of tight feeling in your chest and those crawling chills that radiate down your arms, up your neck and toward your navel? And that strange feeling you get in your jaw (usually right before you puke)? I'm not sure when these sensations happen for you, but for me they always happen right before an extremely pivotal moment in a relationship or before a really tough conversation. Those kind that have to happen but you stall every second leading up to it and then oh dear Lord help you, it's actually happening and you're in it and the words are starting to come out and you have to concentrate really hard to make sure nothing else comes out with the words?

Are you tracking with me? Because if you aren't then I'm really curious about what your body does to you in moments like that.

Anyway.

When I was recounting the events of last week to some friends my body started to react this way and my heart suddenly began to race and my palms began to sweat. I was getting angry and defensive.

Now, normally, this physical response happens just before an actual conversation or in the middle of a conversation that has just taken a difficult turn. It's almost like an emotional Fight or Flight response manifested physically.

So, what is my mind's response to this? Do I turn these tingly and uncomfortable sensations into a fight? Or do I take flight?

Fight! Fight! Fight! In my head right now I have an imaginary audience shouting that at me while I'm standing there in gigantic boxing gloves, a mouth guard, and really, really big shorts. It's a pretty funny picture.

So, I fight. Most of the time the "fight" has simply been to tackle the problem head on, talk about it endlessly (usually until someone is too physically exhausted to form coherent sentences), and get it resolved then and there. I like to get it out there and over with.

But recently, "fight" has actually meant literal fight. And I've also discovered something about myself.

I do not fight fair.

Actually, I can be pretty mean. Sadly.

And so, by rehashing recent events, the tinglies start, my jaw feels weird, I feel the urge to yell, and I start searching Facebook. And then I find what I'm looking for. And then, thank you Jesus, I don't carry through. I don't yell at him. I don't goad him. I don't manipulate him. I don't even talk to him.

Mostly because I shouldn't because hello to the pain.

But then a lot of my time is wasted. A LOT. And I'm not going to tell you how much because it's rather obscene.

And it's nice to feel sympathy from others. It's nice to have women who know the depths of my struggles. But it's really not nice that the entire thing turns me from a docile and slightly subdued woman into a terrifying harpy.

Me. As a harpy. Not cool.

Therefore, I need to stop recounting the situation for new people. I want people to know. But it's not fair, in the end. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to him. I know in my heart that he doesn't deserve that. Although the harpy in me screams that I need to slander his name, I know better. 

'Cause harpies are dumb, y'all. Not to mention fictional.

So. I'm placing the situation in a box. And I'm placing that box in an even bigger box. And then I'm going to mail that box to myself. And then I'm going to SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!

Sorry, I couldn't help it! My fingers had a mind of their own and just wouldn't stop typing the previous sentence. Bonus points if someone knows what that's from. And if you guess it then you'll reveal just how deep my nerdiness truly runs. 

But in all seriousness, time to put it away. 

From now on I can just tell people that our breakup was . . . messy.

Leaving the States of Missouri and Denial

I don't even know where to start.

I went to St. Louis with my parents. We stopped at a winery/restaurant on the way there, and no, I did not partake of the fruit of the vine. :) I hadn't been in a long time, and it was very nice. I had asparagus risotto. Delicious in my stomach, and not a hint of asparagus-flavored urine. 

Woah, did she just say urine? Unfollow! Unfollow!

Yes, folks. I did. Better get used to it. This girl does not shy away from such subjects and if you find your proper sensibilities offended, best steer away from this one. 

Anyway, right about here is where some lovely photos of the Missouri river and the winery should go, but the computer I'm on in St. Louis absolutely refuses to read my camera's card. So you'll have to wait until tomorrow for them.

Then we visited my aunt and uncle, where I got to see one of my four cousins (yes, I only have four cousins TOTAL) and her two kids. They were darling. Sadly, the oldest child is four years old and this was the first time I had met him.

We really don't see each other much. 

After that, we got to ride the St. Louis metro to Busch Stadium to see a Cardinals game. Riding the cars made me long for New York or London and their metros. If I could ride public transit everywhere I would be so happy. But, I will enjoy my life in the small town, because I'm pretty sure I can walk to every single location in the town itself. 

The Cardinals game was good. I do love baseball, and I do enjoy watching it a lot. Especially in person. However, I just don't know if I'm a Cardinals fan. 

Although, and my friend A will appreciate this, the Cardinals number 13 wore his socks correctly AND his last name was Ryan. Why is that significant? Oh, only my favorite college player is pretty much the exact same, except his first name is Ryan, not his last name. 

Now I'm home and musing on things. A lot of things.

Things like pain. OK, a show of hands please. By reading the above, how many of you would guess that I'm in a lot of emotional pain? That I cry myself to sleep every night? That I never, ever smile unless someone is looking at me? That I yell at God and tell Him how angry I am at Him for the way He's chosen to lay out my life in the last two months? 

Well, if I had to guess, probably none of you would be able to tell those things about me by reading the above.

But they're true. 

And I find myself resenting someone who I feel should be hurting just as much as I am, but "apparently" is not. 

Why isn't he hurting too? How can he laugh and smile? How can he make jokes and have fun with people? 

And then, only just tonight, a light bulb goes on. Well, maybe multiple light bulbs. 

If no one knows what's really going on with me, how can I honestly believe that he's not going through the same thing? If he tells me he's in pain, why do I scoff and not believe him and think he's only saying that off-handedly? If I'm concealing it well in person, well then he most likely is too. And doing it better than me because I wear my emotions on my sleeve and he most certainly does not. 

AND maybe it's time that I stop wanting him to be in pain. Maybe it's time to really just let it go. 

I'm going to move on someday. I truly believe that God has a man out in the world for me, and that this man is going to pursue me like mad, love me deeply, and provide for me. 

And you know what? He's going to move on too. And I know it will hurt. But that's what happens when someone you loved for six years begins to love someone else. Who cares if you don't want to marry him? It's still going to hurt like hell. And he'll hurt in the same way when I move on.

And I have to tell myself that it's not a contest. If he moves on first then that doesn't cheapen what we had together. God will move me forward when it's time, and I don't need to force that time so that I can have a man in my life to dull the pain that will come when an old love finds a new love. 

And wouldn't you know it? I know that what I'm writing is truth and I'm STILL crying as I write this. 

This was terribly long and if you made it to the end you deserve a medal. I'll give you pictures tomorrow.

Napping

Things with SW have taken a strange turn lately. I don't know what it is, but my emotions are just all over the place lately. I think it has to do with insecurities, anxiety about the future paired with the intense desire to marry him paired with the uncertainty about whether or not he'll choose me. Talk about an emotional grab bag. No wonder I'm all over the place.

Last night was terrible. I spent about two hours trying to sort through the much in my head--some of it on the phone with SW. And, note to self, do NOT under any circumstances give in to the temptation to call him super late at night with confusing and frustrating relationship troubles. Ugh. Needless to say, that only made me feel worse and succeeded in aggravating him. So we made plans to hang out this afternoon after work and talk. Yet, I just didn't feel like talking about it and instead, we took a nap, which was nice.

It's hard to swallow the fact that I feel like I relate to my boyfriend best when we're sleeping. It's not that we can't relate to each other verbally. We CAN, and I think that's what makes this more frustrating. Something is keeping our communication apart right now and I just can't find out what it is. I just really need to trust that we will move past this.

Summer

Today is like the first real day of summer. It's gorgeous, yet not too hot outside, the breeze feels amazing blowing through my windows, I can lounge around in a tank top on my bed and listen to some guilty pleasure music while writing this, and work was only 3 hours long this morning.

As for work, I recently started working at a well-known restaurant chain and apparently if I write the name or the names of any of my coworkers or managers I could get disciplined for it. And I would think this was stupid if it weren't for the fact that one of my favorite bloggers, Dooce, really did lose her job because she was not careful with information. SO. This restaurant will always be The Restaurant and, as usual, any names will remain initials only.

So then, orientation at The Restaurant was pretty fun today, but, then again, I always love orientations. It's super easy--how hard can it be to fill out forms and watch videos?--and you get lots of free food. And this was good food that I would choose to eat whether I worked there or not. Totally sweet deal. My friend D got me the job and another friend of mine, Tall B, works there as well. Tall B and I actually went through orientation together this morning, both as servers. I'm hoping that I can actually get to know him without feeling weird, because he reminds me very strongly of an old boyfriend whom I no longer like or respect. But I know Tall B is not that person. So we'll hope that I can work with Tall B without the urge to make disparaging remarks every time I see him.

SW and I haven't been on the greatest terms lately. And I don't know why. It's eating at my heart and I feel really helpless in it. And, in a way, I really am, for many of the barriers between us have nothing to do with me. He's struggling with a LOT right now and he needs to overcome these struggles in his own way. I can't tangibly help--I can only be there for him. I just wish I know how he wanted me to be there.

I called my parents this afternoon as well and they only talked to me for 13 minutes--5 minutes for my dad and 8 for my mom. Usually I forget to even call my parents, but I really wanted to talk to them today. I was actually really sad that they didn't stay on the phone longer. I do think I'll get to talk to my sister tomorrow, though, and hopefully me being a server now will provide even more connection between the two of us.

Anyway, my music makes me happy. I'm listening to--don't laugh--the soundtrack for Series 3 of Doctor Who. If you know what's good for you, you'll start watching the BBC's new Doctor Who, because it just might be talked about a lot by me. I've got my roommates hooked now and I'm moving out slowly to new people . . .