My 'yes' is on the table.

I said I would post, didn't I? Not sure what you're about to get, but let's figure it out together, hmm?

It's been an interesting month, folks. My poor little heart has had her ups and downs, and honestly, she's not used to this many downs. It's kind of a downer. Which.....makes sense.

But let's boil it down to one thing that I've been learning lately:

God's got it.

Oh, so simple, yet oh, so true.

Sometimes I feel like my head and heart have become a jumble of questions. The why?'s and the what if?'s and the huh?'s and the what-the-heck-are-you-doing?'s seem to be accumulating into one big pile that threatens to topple at any second.

Most of it has to do with my heart. Singleness. Timelines. Ugh. Things that I can't seem to stop wondering about and pondering and which I imagine would bore more of you to tears. Seriously? The girl is writing another post about her stinkin' heart? Can I stab my eyes out? Where'd I put that letter opener....


Ok, perhaps you're not that tired of hearing about my heart, but boy am I tired of thinking about it. And wondering about it. And chatting about it with friends. Honestly, my poor girls are the most incredible people in the world. All they ever hear is me yammering on about the struggles of my heart.

What does she struggle with? I wish I could tell you, gentle readers. I wish I could spill exact situations, intimate details, names and places, my secret thoughts and the terrible yearnings that keep me up at night. But alas (or thankfully), even I--the most confessional of people--know when to keep a lid on some things. I have learned to spill those things to perhaps three lucky/unlucky ladies. The rest of you get the somewhat diluted details. But you know what? It's not the details that are important. What's important is what I can write about.

What can I write about?

I can write about how good God is. How He's always got me in the right place. How He can take what looks like a hopeless situation and breathe life into it in a way I never knew before. How He can make hard conversations flow smoothly (even if they're still hard). How He can show me answers when I didn't think any were possible. How He can bolster my patience when I really want certain answers but they're not coming.

-

We had a forensics meet in Pratt this last weekend. After the meet we were all headed up to St. John to watch our basketball guys play in the Sub-State tournament. Well, we had about an hour to kill after grabbing a late lunch. What do we do?

The park, of course!

What does MB do?

Act like a 5 year-old, of course! Again.

Merry-go-rounds, swings, monkey bars, cherry drops, climbing trees, skipping stones, awkward nature hikes, enjoying running water, collecting shells.....little kid heaven.

Only thing is, as I'm sitting on the edge of the water watching my delightful students messing around on the other bank, one of my girls says to me, "Miss Martin, you are so cute! How are you not married yet?!"

Oh my darling girl. How often I have wondered this question to myself.

And finally, the next day a few pieces fell into place.

You know how I came to be in Ashland? Well, let me be the first to say that it was not my original choice, nor was I thrilled about the option when it was first presented to me. Hard to believe that now, but it's the truth. I came to the interview and was immediately freaked out. This place did not seem right. Too small. Too remote. Too.....much.

So I pull in every interview in Wichita I can. I call around. I peddle myself around like the cheapest hooker on South Broadway (yeah, not the greatest simile, but hey, if we're talking about Wichita . . .). I have impeccable references. A perfect GPA. I am charming, articulate, enthusiastic, hip yet professional, and very clear that I want to be in Wichita.

And....nothing. Nothing!

My friends are stunned. My cooperating teacher is flabbergasted. How is this possible? She's a perfect fit! How could no one call her back?!


I have no choice. I accept in Ashland. I cry after I make that call.

I pack up.

I move.

I settle.

I wander for the summer.

School begins. I meet my colleagues. I get comfortable in my room. Then I meet my students.

Oh. Oh. I get it now, God. You are so right. This is totally where I belong. This is totally what I'm supposed to be doing. I love this place. I love my part in it. I love these people. I really love these kids.

I hated what He did in my life, but I obeyed. Albeit, I did it kicking and screaming, but I said yes when He said DO THIS.

--

So. All that to say that I don't have answers or explanations for a lot of things right now. But I've said yes to Him in all of these situations. Granted, some of the situations took awhile. And if you think I came to Ashland with some kicking and screaming, let's just say that some of the recent kicking and screaming I've been doing could easily give that a run for its money.

--

Singleness is hard. It's good for a time, but does anyone really love singleness? Some may, but like the large majority of people I wasn't built for it. But God's asked me for singleness for some undisclosed length of time. I'm hoping it's not, you know, like ten years, but hey. It could be.

I've been hating it, but I realized after Pratt that it's just like Him sending me to Ashland.

God asked me to go into singleness. Just like I didn't want to leave Wichita, I didn't want to leave The Monolith. I really didn't want to leave The Monolith. It was safe there. It was familiar. Sure, it wasn't ideal or really encouraging my walk with God, but at least it wasn't hurting it. But No, God said. I'm sending you into singleness.

So I said yes.

And right now I feel like I'm in that sort of aimless stage where I've said my yes and I'm here but I'm not sure why yet. It hasn't been boring. My heart has reawakened and she's shown herself to be much more feisty, fickle, joyous, and pulled in strange directions than I ever thought she would be. And honestly, it feels good to be free for now, despite deeper desires. I can have fun. I can flirt again. I can make my own plans on my own timeline.

And I guess that's what I need right now. Because if I was ready for my man, God would bring him to me.

Guess I'm still settling into who I need to be for him. Guess he's still settling into who he needs to be for me. And I'm trusting that God will show us each other when we're ready for it.

'Cause I've already said yes to whatever God's got planned for me.

The House In Order

My goodness. It's hard to believe that I've been here in Ashland for almost a week.

I've been feeling quite at home here. Yesterday marked the completion of my home organization and decoration. I never thought I would have enough things to fill a home, and while it's not packed, it's definitely not too bare.

Now, I'm going to post a lot of pictures. After the pictures you will find some more musings about the move and about living alone. If you have already seen the pictures, feel free to scroll past them and onto more musings. I promise, I'm going to try to make them entertaining. You might even find a shark attack.

Here's my home:

Let me tell you, people. You are welcome. You have no idea how long that took to upload.

Anyway.

It.

Is.

AWESOME . . .

to live alone. For reals. I adored being with roommates. Seriously. The ladies I've lived with have made my life so rich and so full, and they've become my best friends in the world. But I've discovered that I really love living alone.

I think it's the control freak in me. I can control every aspect of my house that a person can control. If the house is messy, I don't freak out. Why? Because it's my mess, I know how it started, and I know when it's going to be fixed. Fantastic.

This poses some major issues if I get married someday. And have kids. Oh man. It'll take an amazing man with tons of patience and sensitivity to work around my ridiculous controlling nature.

ALSO. You know what I've discovered?

I am definitely not meant to have a garden. In order to take care of the plants that currently reside in my yard I have to water them nightly. And I do this, but you want to know my favorite part of the process? Watering the fence and watching the wood change from dry to wet. Forget about the plants.

I think I'll just have to budget in order to have someone take care of my yard for me. Or just do it as a chore like some people do cleaning or take out trash.

Want to see something that made me laugh really hard? If you like politics, chances are you'll like this. If you like Obama or if you hate Obama, chances are you will like this. I think it's one of the best openings SNL had all year.



Ah, funny, funny.

Don't Fall Off the Countertop

Today was a day. Neither good, nor bad.

Highlights of the day included closing on my home, setting up all of my bills and accounts, and organizing different areas of the house.

Downsides of the day included some unsettling news, getting super frustrated at some stuck nails, and realizing that I live alone and will have to be extra careful when I decide to crouch on my kitchen counter-tops because if I fall and break my back then I will just have to pray that a neighbor walks into my home and finds me before I die of starvation.

Cheery, huh?

Tomorrow I have more errands to run. Though my parents and I just took a trip up to Dodge yesterday, I get to make another trip to get my internet hooked up. Don't ask me why it works that way--it just does.

I saw Inception on Friday. You might think that I would write a review. I understand. But I won't be writing a review. Why? Here's my review:

Awesome.

And not in the colloquial way that we use that word today. I literally mean that it was an awe-inspiring movie. And that's all you need to know from me about it.

There are many pictures from moving day, and I even have a movie with a previous little boy wearing my favorite shoes. Those will be posted all in good time.

For the moment, however, I'm going to take my laptop out onto my porch and enjoy the cooler, evening air.

Goodnight.

Sorry, my friends

I've been trying to decide what to write.

Here are some things which may put my lack of posts into perspective:

1. Moving is a brain-frying experience.
2. Moving is also an exhausting experience.
3. When I have an entire house to organize and take care of, I have a decreased desire for the internet.
4. I'm dealing with some feelings that need to be processed before they spill out onto the page.

Stay tuned . . .

A Weekend Visit

Well, I visited Ashland this weekend and I can officially say that I feel much better about my move.

It was a weekend full of meeting new people, and while it was overwhelming, it was also really good for me. I stayed with the woman whose house I'm buying, Vicki, and she made me feel so welcome. I am so blessed to buying her house and to have someone in Ashland who I feel really comfortable with already. She helped introduce me to people, which I really appreciated.

I got in on Friday evening and chatted with Vicki for a bit, and then we headed to the local pizza place. She treated me to a pizza (Canadian bacon and mushrooms, yum) and I asked her a ton of questions about the high school over dinner. After that we headed back to her house where I met some former students. Basically, we just sat on the porch and hung out for the evening. It was great.

Saturday was so busy! Up at 7 to get ready for a pancake breakfast at the local fire station. I met some great ladies there and got recruited to sing with their church choir on Sunday. They move quickly here! After breakfast it was time to head over to Main Street for the parade, which was small but cute. Then over to the elementary school for turtle races, introductions, and schmoozing. I stood up on the back of a fire truck while my assistant principal introduced me to the field of people over a bull horn. Awesome. After that it was back to the house for a quick breather, then a taco lunch at the VW. The afternoon was lazy and relaxed, then Vicki and I stopped by a house that some people are building in Ashland. If you'll believe it, it's the first house to be built in Ashland in 40 years. Man! A future student stopped by for a visit, and I was so grateful for it. I think it made us both feel better about school starting. Then we had a great 4th of July dinner at the house--I made deviled eggs for the first time!--and hung out for a little bit until it was time for fireworks. Needless to say, after the fireworks I was exhausted. Believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, but I was in bed by 11:30.

This morning was good. I visited the Methodist church (and sang in the choir!) with Vicki. I enjoyed the service, and it'll definitely be a great place to take the people who move me into my house. I'm still going to visit the other churches in town, but I'm encouraged by my visit this morning. We had lunch at the house and then took a trip to the West of town. You remember that picture from the Website that showed beautiful red bluffs on either side of the highway? Well, I hadn't seen it yet, but it was because I hadn't been West of town yet! Vicki took me out there and it was so beautiful. Then we walked around the outside and the inside of the house and discussed all the things that need to be/could be done to the house. I'm mulling some ideas around in my head, but I'll make a separate post for those later.

I headed home today around 3:00. It was actually really sad because I'd enjoyed spending time with Vicki a lot. She is truly a blessing! I am so grateful that God led me to this house because she's made the process fun and exciting rather than scary.

OK friends. I did my best to take some pictures, but I have to admit that I didn't take as many as I could have. Here are my favorites from the ones I took.

Instead of taking the normal route home today, I chose to take the scenic byway. There was a spot for cars to stop and take pictures off the side of the highway, so I stopped. This particular spot, however, was the least beautiful spot of the entire byway! The next time I go I'm going to stop at the non-designated areas and take more pictures. 

What a great trip. I came home and just sort of chilled. It was rainy, so unfortunately that meant no fireworks. I did manage to find a T-shirt I would like, however. I know that some of you will appreciate this if you watch the most recent video I posted here.

Come on. This shirt is a winner. I've never been one to wear shirts with clever slogans or sayings, but this one calls out to me in an irresistible manner. Plus, it's great for occasions. If we're ever hanging out on your birthday, there'll be a good chance that I'm going to wear this shirt. Just for you.

. 

Star Wars and Missions

It's been far too long since I've posted. Perhaps not technically, but mentally. You know how they say it takes 30 days to form a habit, but only 1 day to break it? Well, the habit of keeping this blog (and I started it for all of you who want to keep tabs on me as I move) has formed well as I've updated regularly over the last month. This weekend, however, I just did not feel like posting. And it's totally true. I felt, hmmm, I should post tonight. Then I thought, nah, I can post tomorrow. Uh oh. That is a recipe for NEVER POSTING AGAIN. And I would know. I've "restarted" this blog at least three times.

So. A real post for today.

And in case you were wondering about my day yesterday, it was great. Talked to Amy about teaching Speech, and she gave me a ton of great material. Then lunch with Mal, which was delicious and fun. Then home for some house-cleaning, garden-watering, and sun-tanning (I gave in and decided to lay out yesterday). THEN I got a frantic text from Saras telling me that Star Wars was beginning at her house and I better get over there. They may not have realized it, but I moved so fast that I would have been a blur if you'd seen me. I started laundry, washed the dishes, showered, dried my hair (a considerable feat) and got ready in a matter of 45 minutes and was at her house an hour after she texted. And then. My friends. It was wonderful.


Star Wars is probably my most favorite series. Ever. Perhaps if a movie was made out of The Dragonriders of Pern it might be up on the top, but not even Harry Potter can surpass Star Wars for me. Perhaps the most fun of the evening? My friend Ben is also a major Star Wars nerd (and you can't even call yourself a Star Wars nerd unless you have done much more than simply watch the movies). So he and I spent much of the movies discussing the various technology of the galaxy, arguing over the merits of certain lightsaber duels, and quoting our favorite lines. An example of my nerdiness? As we watched Chewbaccca, I proceeded to relate to those watching how a young wookie enters adulthood through a dangerous ritual which enables him to procure plant fibers to weave a belt--which Chewie was wearing. They appreciated it. I know they did.

Lately I feel like I've been writing a bit of fluff. Mostly that's because no new developments have taken place in the moving process; however, I absolutely loved church this morning.

It was my last Sunday playing worship for church. So bittersweet. I love my violin so much and the chance to worship the King with it is such a blessing, but I'm still saddened by the fact that I have to leave the worship team. Nate told me that I could play when I come back to visit, which lightened my heart considerably.

Then Jim spoke this morning. For those of you who don't attend our church, we have three men who speak. Terry is our senior pastor, and Jim and Dave are associate pastors, or whatever we call them. Terry speaks about very practical things, and his messages are full of life application. Jim speaks about very complicated subjects and loads his messages with Scripture and tough theological ideas. Dave speaks about life areas people struggle with and uses Scripture to inspire, convict, and challenge. They are all great speakers, and while some people respond best to certain speakers, I usually respond best to Jim's messages. At least, that's how it's been going for me lately.

This morning he spoke about living missionally. And he made so many solid points, but the one that stuck out to me the most hit me squarely in the chest. God asks us to pray for workers to go out into the harvest. Anyone can go. It's easy. You pack your bags and you go. But it's selfish at its most base level. If all you do is go, then you're doing so on your own terms. But God commands that we ask Him to send people into the field. Being sent is different. When you're sent, it's not on your own terms. It's on His.

And I realized that I am blessed beyond anything I could imagine. Why? Because God is sending me. Holy-freaking-cow. How selfish am I by dwelling on the fact that I don't want to go away from my friends here in Wichita? Of course I don't want to go to Ashland. Things on my own terms would  never look that hard. But therein lies the beauty. I know I'm being sent because of that very reason. Being sent will always require sacrifice, prayer, strength, and courage. Going has a sort of cavalier quality. Being sent is not personally exciting or fulfilling. 


But then again it IS exciting and fulfilling. But only when looked at correctly. By loving His mission and living to see His purpose accomplished (whatever it is, for only He knows) I can and will find INFINITE benefit.


Oh Jesus, please give me the courage to trade my life today. 

Perks of Being a Single Girl: Unabashedly Admiring a Celebrity

Can't help myself. Here.



And things are speeding up around here. I've been staying up and packing, and man, is it throwing a wrench into all my daily goings on.

First of all, I'm staying up until the wee hours of the morning because my favorite time to pack is super late at night. And this is definitely wrecking my sleep schedule. But, then again, wasn't it already a train wreck?

And secondly, being the crazy organizational control freak that I am, having my room in a perpetual state of disarray is driving. me. crazy. There are many things that I need to do to keep my life moving along, but all my mind can seem to focus on is the fact that my room is a mess and I need to finish packing NOW. Which, I don't. At all. I have some time. I mean, I haven't even closed on my house yet.

So I'm currently in limbo. But Stefon is keeping me company. As is Bill Hader. And his wonderful glasses and eyebrows. Some girls may like big biceps, muscles, a flashy smile, or amazing style. Just give me eyebrows. So, for you male readers, pardon me turning into a girl. You are welcome to skip the last portion of this post. Who in the world would be attracted to this . . .

. . . when there is THIS in the world?

Oh, eyebrows. Behave. 

Closed Doors

God's been doing something in my heart over the last few weeks, and I suppose, looking back, it's been a year-long process.

My heart loved where I was a year ago. I was in a long-term relationship with an incredible man. I had the coolest group of friends that any girl could ever ask for. I lived with some amazing gracious and generous people. My family was supportive, on track with each other, and keeping in touch. My church family was amazing. And school made me happy. I had finally planted. I had real, deep roots taking hold.

Then God decided that He wanted me somewhere else.

He took my relationship and stretched it and pulled it. Things felt unsettled, difficult, strange. He banged on the door to my heart and said Hey, little girl. You better take a long hard look at what I really want for your life. And then I listened. Darn it when you finally listen, huh? And I saw what He wanted for my life. And it wasn't the man I was with.

God closed that door.

He showed me a job three hours away that got my heart racing, for some reason. It fell in line perfectly. And then I was terrified. I couldn't move away! I would miss my family, my friends, my church! This couldn't be what was in store for me! So I tried, desperately, to stay. I prepped for interviews like crazy. I rehearsed in the mirror. I dressed perfectly for each, individual location. I was charming, warm, intelligent, and relaxed. They liked me, and I liked them. And no one called me back. People were shocked. I was shocked. I had nailed those interviews, people. You know the Tiger Woods arm pump? Yeah, I was doing that in the car after the interviews. NAILED them. The explanation for no calls?

God closed that door.

I've been looking at the closed doors and wondering to myself just what He's closing off. Deep inside I've always felt a pull away from Wichita. I always chalked it up to restlessness, but the more I've looked at it, the more I'm realizing that God's closing very specific doors for very specific reasons.

He's breaking my ties to the specific city of Wichita.

The bonds of friendship and church family can transcend distance. I will always be friends with the people here in Wichita. A church family will always be there for me, and we will forever be part of the big "C" church together. That tie will never be broken.

But a relationship can tie you to a location. And he and I both felt strange pulls away from Wichita, but who could have known that those pulls were meant to pull us apart, rather than away from Wichita together. And a job, well of course that can tie you to a location. God has cut very specific things for me.

I don't know about Ashland. It's where He wants me right now. But I just feel like I've run a marathon to the edge of a cliff, and I'm camping for the night before diving off the edge. Ashland is my campground. I might be jumping into a life in Ashland, who knows? But I might also be jumping into a life in Denver, Kansas City, Portland, Scotland, Ethiopia, Russia, Japan, or anywhere else in the world. He hasn't said no to anything except Wichita.

And it pains me to write that. Because I love my Wichita family so much. And I know that they want me to come back. But God doesn't want that.

I will love Wichita and what it meant to me forever.

And I will try to move forward into the unknown with courage and trust in the Lord.

Bloggsorzzzzzzzzzzzzz

OK, people. It has been a long two days, and a lot has happened.

1. I took some awesome friends to see a house yesterday.

2. We loved it.

3. I told my parents about it that evening.

4. They told me an hour later that they wanted to go see it the next day and talk money.

5. I went again this morning and took my parents with me.

6. They loved it.

7. We talked money.

8. I made an offer.

8a. She countered.

8b. I thought really hard and forced myself not to look at my parents for help.

9. I accepted her price.

10. We talked details.

11. We shook on it.

12. I went to the bank.

13. We talked money.

14. I filled out a loan application.

15. I got approved.

16. I'm in the process of buying.

Phew! That's a ton of stuff! It makes me even more exhausted just reading about it all. Now I need to go to sleep and have dreams about the pleasures/pains of owning a home!

My Future Home . . . Hopefully

Well, folks, as long as closing on the house goes well and the bank decides that it will let me get a mortgage, it looks like I am going to be buying this house:

I mean, look at it. It's all stone. And that porch! It's a real porch. And it faces East, so no annoying hot, late nights trying to chill on the porch. Oh, and here's something that comes with the porch:

A swing. Heck yeah! And here are some things that I hope to see on my porch in the future:

Loving friends. And maybe a cat. Someday. Not right away, though. So, you walk up to the house and enter through a front door that looks like this:

Sorry about the awful blurriness and the glare from the flash. Hopefully someday I'll have a real camera to use. But in the meantime, can you see how solid the wood is? You see how pretty those dark hinges are? These are the original doors. And the house was built in 1900. I love that. 


So then you turn around and see the living room:

Very brown, huh? The entire room is covered in wood paneling. Not my favorite thing. So hopefully I'll be able to find a way to change that. And no, my couch will not by that bright fuchsia color. The carpet isn't bad at all, but maybe next summer I could pull it up and reveal some original wood flooring (which is said to be there . . .). 


And then you notice something lovely off to the left:

Fireplace! I can't wait to have a fire in that!


Now we turn directly behind us and find the kitchen:

Again, sorry for the blurred quality. But as you can see, the cabinets are very solid and very nice. And very original. How cool! And there is a lot of good counter space for all the baking I intend to start doing. 


The rest of the house was nice too, but I won't post those pictures here, because they still contain personal items of the woman who currently owns the house. 


So now we've wandered around inside. Let's go out the kitchen door and check out the rest of the yard:

What a good place for grilling and chilling! Or grillin' and chillin'. Either way is cool with me. Then you turn around and!

Cat! She said this cat adopted her house and comes with it. I'm not sure if she's joking or not. But I'm OK with it if she isn't. He's an outdoor cat and only comes to the house for meals. Or to flirt with new people, apparently. 


Then you walk to the edge of the backyard and see the back of the house:

And to help me keep up with all that landscaping and gardening:

My own gardening shed! Looks like I'm going to have to start working on that green thumb . . .

The house is so well kept on the outside! No weeds anywhere!


And finally, one of the best parts of the house . . .

It comes with its own peach tree!


Guess I'll have to start liking peaches, too. 


I'm OK with that!