Lists of things

I'm trying to think of what to write. 

It's hard to come back to blogging when it's been such a long time since my last post. 

I should really do better with all of that. 

I think it's so hard because I have a lot of things that I could catch all of you up on.

But perhaps I should just regulate this particular post to the things currently going on. 

How about I tell you what is around me?

1. My phone, dark and silent. Kind of lonely.

2. My new school laptop, playing Band of Horses....lovely.

3. My English 10 textbook, open to Julius Caesar, untouched and being avoided. 

4. A pile of grading, including tests and papers. Also being avoided.

5. My "To Do" list. It currently has two of ten things crossed off.

6. An empty graham cracker package....my current fixation.

7. My nail box. I am typing this with newly brilliant red nails.

8. My Scrubs season 5 DVDs. Currently on pause while I listen to some good music. 

How about I continue with listing things and I'll give you a list of the last few days?

1. I enjoyed my drive back to Ashland immensely. I left with lots of time to spare and just sort of meandered. I haven't had too many opportunities to do that. It was good thinking time.

2. I've been in the mood to buy new clothes lately. So I did. My spring and summer wardrobes are filling themselves out nicely. And my wallet is considerably slimmer. And for awhile I kept wondering why every girl I ever see in athletic shorts wears those Nike shorts. Now I know. And own two pairs. 

3. One of my dear friends cut my hair, and it was lovely to catch up with her. She cuts a fine head of hair. And I'll be back as soon as school is out for something a little less tame. I almost put feathers in my hair, but I figured that was just a tad too trendy and unprofessional. Darn having to be professional. When summer is here look out, dangit! 

Oh, and do you know about this feather trend? No? This is what I'm talking about, in case you missed it:

4. I saw four baseball games four days in a row. It was a good time. Even though I had to watch my Shockers lose the last one. Although I am slightly disheartened that the dancing and nicknames have lagged since I left for Ashland it is somewhat gratifying to know that it was my enthusiasm that spurred those things on. In my short time back I nicknamed/renamed four players, created a new dance, and resurrected a few old ones. 

5. I've been looking at my standards and the things I desire lately. I've got a lot of conflicts going on in my heart. Questions I've been asking myself: Do I desire temporary happiness or fuller, yet harder, happiness? Are my expectations too high? Am I truly looking at the things in my life through the lens of reality? Would I truly be willing to drag my heart through the dirt for little or no gain? And do these questions even apply to my life right now? 

6. I usually wear jeans in the summer. I create shorts by cutting up pants. I bought my first pair of real shorts this weekend. This is a large step forward. I am determined to put my legs out there. Not like a hussy, mind you, but like a normal person. They're not bad legs. They're pretty average. Ok, they're a little short, but I'm a little short, so I think it evens out to normal-looking legs if you don't compare them to anyone else's.

7. My relationship with Jesus has stagnated. Which sucks. Cause He's sort of amazing. And he died for me. And then totally conquered death and rose again. Dang. But if you're wondering why it might have stagnated, check out list item number 5. It all ties together. 

8. Sometimes I tell people things that they don't need to know. Sometimes I tell them in places where these things don't need to be talked about. Sometimes I tell too many people too many things. If I told everyone that I owned a white car, well, that's a silly thing to tell them, but at least my car actually is white. If I instead told everyone that I was thinking about taking a trip to Europe over the summer (which I'm not), well, then by the time summer rolled around everyone would be waiting for a postcard from Prague. The point is, I tell too many people about too many up-in-the-air things which then makes me look foolish if they don't pan out. 

9. Some things on my mind can't be talked about in a public forum. And I'm sorry, but they also can't be talked about with the large majority of people in my life. But I am so incredibly thankful for a few close friends who do not judge, who support me, who push me toward truth and good choices, and who are trying to understand what's going on in my head. And without them I'd be in a bad place. 

10. It rained today. It made me happy. 

Leaving the States of Missouri and Denial

I don't even know where to start.

I went to St. Louis with my parents. We stopped at a winery/restaurant on the way there, and no, I did not partake of the fruit of the vine. :) I hadn't been in a long time, and it was very nice. I had asparagus risotto. Delicious in my stomach, and not a hint of asparagus-flavored urine. 

Woah, did she just say urine? Unfollow! Unfollow!

Yes, folks. I did. Better get used to it. This girl does not shy away from such subjects and if you find your proper sensibilities offended, best steer away from this one. 

Anyway, right about here is where some lovely photos of the Missouri river and the winery should go, but the computer I'm on in St. Louis absolutely refuses to read my camera's card. So you'll have to wait until tomorrow for them.

Then we visited my aunt and uncle, where I got to see one of my four cousins (yes, I only have four cousins TOTAL) and her two kids. They were darling. Sadly, the oldest child is four years old and this was the first time I had met him.

We really don't see each other much. 

After that, we got to ride the St. Louis metro to Busch Stadium to see a Cardinals game. Riding the cars made me long for New York or London and their metros. If I could ride public transit everywhere I would be so happy. But, I will enjoy my life in the small town, because I'm pretty sure I can walk to every single location in the town itself. 

The Cardinals game was good. I do love baseball, and I do enjoy watching it a lot. Especially in person. However, I just don't know if I'm a Cardinals fan. 

Although, and my friend A will appreciate this, the Cardinals number 13 wore his socks correctly AND his last name was Ryan. Why is that significant? Oh, only my favorite college player is pretty much the exact same, except his first name is Ryan, not his last name. 

Now I'm home and musing on things. A lot of things.

Things like pain. OK, a show of hands please. By reading the above, how many of you would guess that I'm in a lot of emotional pain? That I cry myself to sleep every night? That I never, ever smile unless someone is looking at me? That I yell at God and tell Him how angry I am at Him for the way He's chosen to lay out my life in the last two months? 

Well, if I had to guess, probably none of you would be able to tell those things about me by reading the above.

But they're true. 

And I find myself resenting someone who I feel should be hurting just as much as I am, but "apparently" is not. 

Why isn't he hurting too? How can he laugh and smile? How can he make jokes and have fun with people? 

And then, only just tonight, a light bulb goes on. Well, maybe multiple light bulbs. 

If no one knows what's really going on with me, how can I honestly believe that he's not going through the same thing? If he tells me he's in pain, why do I scoff and not believe him and think he's only saying that off-handedly? If I'm concealing it well in person, well then he most likely is too. And doing it better than me because I wear my emotions on my sleeve and he most certainly does not. 

AND maybe it's time that I stop wanting him to be in pain. Maybe it's time to really just let it go. 

I'm going to move on someday. I truly believe that God has a man out in the world for me, and that this man is going to pursue me like mad, love me deeply, and provide for me. 

And you know what? He's going to move on too. And I know it will hurt. But that's what happens when someone you loved for six years begins to love someone else. Who cares if you don't want to marry him? It's still going to hurt like hell. And he'll hurt in the same way when I move on.

And I have to tell myself that it's not a contest. If he moves on first then that doesn't cheapen what we had together. God will move me forward when it's time, and I don't need to force that time so that I can have a man in my life to dull the pain that will come when an old love finds a new love. 

And wouldn't you know it? I know that what I'm writing is truth and I'm STILL crying as I write this. 

This was terribly long and if you made it to the end you deserve a medal. I'll give you pictures tomorrow.

Home Away from Home and Future Home

My attempt at a good post today = EPIC fail.

Anyway. I don't feel like retyping all of that stuff again, so let's just get to the bullet points.

-I drove home last night after watching the Shockers get crushed in the Championship.
-I ended up driving home right behind the charter bus carrying those evil Redbirds. Funny.
-I drove to my parents' house, in case you were wondering what "home" was.
-I made it safely and enjoyed the company of their cats since they are out of town at the moment.
-I will be here for a week or so.
-I will make better posts in the future and fix my lack of blog savvy.

The end.

Die Hard

Ok, first I have to say that my fatigue today was completely my fault. I stayed up way too late the night before. As in, 4:30 a.m. And I had an interview at 7:30 this morning! I know. Shake your heads and fingers at me.

Anyway, I made it up and got to the interview, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. By the way, what does that saying really mean? I actually don't know. So, I get there and it's pretty much adrenaline that's keeping me focused and able to talk. The interview goes well. They like me, I like them. They like my questions. I get the "deluxe" tour of the school.

Come home and just crash on the couch. SO exhausted, physically and mentally. I have until 1:00 p.m. to hear from this interview and until 5:00 to hear from the other school in Wichita. I try to focus on something, anything, but that proves much too difficult for my fatigued body. I wake up at noon. No calls. Kill time for an hour and a half. No calls. So much for that interview.

Can I just say that I don't handle rejection very well? I mean, I could handle it no problem if I knew I'd totally blown it, but I really felt good about that interview. Especially because I was so tired during it! I really felt like my time with them had been wasted. And I know that because the interview was so good and they still didn't want me that means that God is definitely doing something in this situation. He just doesn't want me at that school. Actually, when 4:45 p.m. rolled around it was clear He didn't want me in Wichita either.

I call the principal in Ashland and tell him that I would love to accept the position. As we're talking I have a Word document up on my computer trying to write down all of the crazy things I need to do. I'm slowly beginning to freak out. The things on that list are crazy! Real, ADULT decisions! Welcome to the real world, MB.

Then I make some phone calls, write some e-mails, and update my ever-changing Facebook status. I never got much of a response from these, and, to be honest, I was a little hurt. I really thought people would have more to say about this major change. Maybe people were taken aback by the news. Who knows.

Celebration dinner with the C's. Steak, grilled veggies, and salad. Yum. Then another crash. I wake up at 10:00 p.m. and head out to the Shocker Baseball game. That's right. You heard me. A Shocker game at 10:30 p.m. Ridiculous, right? Well, you're not wrong. The rain earlier today delayed everything significantly, so the game started at the time it was originally scheduled to finish.

And let me tell you. It was a tough game. Late. Tired. Cranky. And some poor playing by the Shockers. They still won, but it was tough. You know how there are nail-biters and then there are NAIL-BITERS? Well, this was a NAIL-BITER. It was one of those games where you just pray that it will all end soon because the team's performance is slowly backsliding and we can't afford any more mistakes. Players screaming. Coaches and umps fighting. Me throwing sunflower seeds at the sky and shouting curses. Ok, not really shouting curses, but some sunflower seeds definitely saw some air time. Ugh. The entire stadium was freaking out. But we pulled it out.

You can bet those boys will be running LOTS of laps tomorrow because of tonight.

Anyway, a long day. A big day. So tired now. Sleep please.