Sinking In

I haven't written here in quite awhile. And it's been even longer since I wrote poetry of my own. I used to be so prolific, but the things in my head got too hard to translate to paper the longer that I let them stay out of a pen.

This morning I woke up and began composing. Granted, it was because the world's most incredible man composed one of his own for me yesterday [and I'm not confirming anything, but it may or may not have made me tear up].

So I went to bed telling myself that I was going to write something today. And I woke up with lines running around my brain, so I had to scramble quickly to grab my computer and get them down before they ran off. Because, truly, as any poet or writer knows, a good line only floats around your brain long enough to torment you with half-remembered fragments by the time you finally get pen to paper.

And something came out of my fingertips. And it was a joy to examine rhythms again and play with spacing and punctuation, add dashes of humor and have Thesaurus.com and Dictionary.com open in my web browser while writing.

Ah, the joy of writing. As my man likes to say, "Words are fun!"

Yes, they are, my darling. And these happen to be for you:

Pulling your arms even tighter

around me, I wonder—

Can I sink into your skin?

Into that voice that lilts and dances

in an unconscious cadence

of charm and swirls

beautiful and sincere and breathtaking

words around like Monet….

Or is it Manet? Either way—

I love it.

Into that face that radiates

awestruck wonder so clearly

it’s like my mirror and then I wonder

how my chin became so strong

or my eyebrows so long

or how that dusting of freckles

suddenly appeared just under

my sure, brown eyes.

Into [Oh! Van Gogh!] that chest

where under ribs and all the rest

of that precious ligature hangs

a heart—as fixed onto my own

beating organ as it is into the hold and keep

of that chest and which I plan to hold and keep

as long as I can still press my ear

close and listen. 

I'm back....and life is in motion...

Today I participated in a survey for a government organization on mental health and substance abuse. 

No, I've never suffered from either of those things, thank the Lord, but nevertheless, the questions on this survey got quite personal. And I was forced to rehash most of the reasons that I stopped blogging for a very long period of time. 

And it didn't make it any better that the woman administering the survey kept saying things like, "Oh, I'm so sorry" or "That must have been very hard for you." I know she was trained to say those things. 

Yet, at the same time, the tears I cried after that survey were refreshing, for a new stage of my life has been reached. 

You see, God healed my heart quickly. Then God healed my relationships with the people in my life. Then He brought me back to my knees in the beauty of His majesty. And then He finally broadened my back so I could forgive myself for so callously disobeying Him. And then the sweet peace and relief of His mercy filled my heart. 

And then, two days later, He gave me a gift. God gave me something so right and so beautiful that I am still breathless when I think about it. 

I have never before felt so blessed and so utterly undeserving of such a precious gift. 

I can't wait to share more with all of you as this gift unfolds in my life. It's already the most exciting time in my life, and I only see it becoming more exciting. 

So. Faithful followers. Sorry for the long delay in my posts. 

Be ready for more. 

And more excitement to come....

Choices

This most recent season in my life has been rough. Very rough.

I've processed through almost all of it with the people in my life who love me and care about me. I'm sure more of it will come from time to time, but for now I'm all processed-out.

I would love to share this season of my life with you, but it's been so rough that I don't think it would be a good idea.

In a nutshell:

1. I let myself fall away from God.
2. I made unwise choices.
3. My heart became tied to those choices.
4. The inevitable fallout happened, and my heart got smashed.
5. I had to admit my failure and accept the consequences.
6. I'm now taking my mangled and tender heart before Jesus, asking Him for forgiveness, and promising to love and obey Him yet again.
7. He will love me, forever and ever, Amen, and he can heal that hurt inside me, though it may take a very long time. The consequences of my choices will not be easy.

I am ok. I am healthy, and I have friends and family who love me dearly.

The rest will come with time.

Life is joyously hard

I spent time talking to a friend of mine today, and she helped me come to a sort-of revelation about myself.

I was filling her in on my life, the various ups and downs (and of course, there are always downs), yet everything I said to her ended with an exclamation mark. The tough parts of my life were always tempered with the good. And the good far outweighed the bad.

She was quiet for a second, and then she asked me, "Is life ever hard for you?"

I had to think about it for a minute, and I've been thinking about it all evening as well.

I mean, sure I have struggles just like any other person. I have weekly stresses like we all do:

-Sunday evenings stink because I'm lonely and school is the next day
-It's harder and harder to not let my personal life affect my attitude at work
-I have reports to turn into my boss and get regular evaluations

I also have larger life stresses like other people:

-I'm working on becoming financially responsible and finding it hard
-I want to excel professionally and impress my boss and coworkers
-I've opened my heart to people which makes it easier to get hurt
-I'm trying to find harmony between my spiritual, professional, and personal lives

And while some of these larger life stresses have recently weighed heavy on my heart, I'm currently laying here on my living room floor and typing this blog post with a song in my heart and simply giddy with love and positivity.

Many people reading this post have experienced difficulties in life that I can't even imagine. Sometimes God deals people crap hands in life because that person has the strength to deal with it. That person will come out of the pressure and the fire a beautiful diamond, as long as he/she doesn't back down from the trouble and pain.

I've got to say that I've yet to be tested to my utmost limit of endurance. Perhaps the thing that helps me is that I look for God in every single detail of my life. When a struggle arrives I immediately ask what He is doing in it. I never have any idea at the time, but it helps to ask at least. And when a struggle leaves I ask what He did in that struggle.

And I always find what He did. What He wanted to teach me. And I vow to accept that teaching and learn from it.

And in my very short span of life on this earth, I've learned that absolutely everything in my life has been for gain and benefit.

I have cried tears of despair so thick while driving that I simply had to pray I'd make it home. I've been betrayed by people I love, and I've lost friends I considered my best. I've been emotionally abused for years on end and have thought myself worthless more times than I can imagine.

And yet at this very moment, when I look back on those times, I almost cherish them.

They were incredibly hard for me. Yet this joyous woman I am at 9:50 on a Monday night would not be here without them.

I suppose my "secret" might be the fact that I never try to forget hardship. I let it come and go, and then I dig deep to find what can be learned from it. Then I hold that lesson hard in my heart. Then the hardship becomes gain in my life.

And, by the way, that lesson for me is that God is always, always faithful and He will never give me more than I can bear.

Which, laying here as joyous as I am, is both a sobering and an exciting thought.

Sobering because I know He has much harder things in store for me.
And exciting because they will show me just how strong I can be.

I am alive. Very alive.

Ok, so I've been sufficiently chastised for not posting for, um, almost four months.

Wow, ok, so maybe I deserved the finger-shakings sent my way. Yikes. The things you all have missed when it comes to my life! Because I know you hang on my every word....

Either way, I'm back and let's get started.

Summer


Summer was amazing. It was wonderful. I wasn't bored. I ended up going to the pool the very next day after writing my post about being bored and lonely, and I finally got to see people. It was so refreshing that I went back the next day. And the next. And the next. And almost every day after that. I became a regular pool bunny!

Which, by the way, is a weird phrase. Am I using that correctly? Pool bunny? Eh, who knows.

I ended up losing about 15 pounds. Without trying. Ah, are any two words more magical when it comes to weight loss? I got more tan than I've ever been in my life. I was active and moving around like crazy. It was such a great time for me.

Friends


Oh my goodness, I finally made those friends! People to hang out with every single day of the summer.

I was never alone. I developed a special little group, and we all loved each other.

And many of them were those seniors that I had graduated in May. We became legitimate friends. And I got friends of my own age too!

Honestly, I had no idea how lonely I'd been during the last school year until finally being with people every single day. Something in my heart was filled again.

------------

There are lots of fun stories from the summer, but instead of immortalizing them here, I think I will let them stay in my mind. It was special and unique in many ways, and I took a break from blogging for a reason. I'm leaving everything else from this summer in the summer.

This blog was often very open and very personal last year. Not only when it came to work and school, but also when it came to my heart and my thoughts. However, this year my heart and my deep, personal thoughts will appear less on this blog. Whether that saddens you or relieves you, that's the way I'm going to do it this year. I finally have enough people I actually talk to, so this place will receive less of that.

One day soon, I hope to open up here again, but I'm closing up for a little while.

Otherwise, get ready for more fun things when it comes to school and life in a small town!

I'm back!

Cat bathing

Thus far my summer has been the most interesting and eventful of my life.

Last summer I spend a lot of time internalizing. A lot of time thinking. A lot of time spilling all the stuff here.

This summer I'm finding myself doing a lot less of that.

I'm living my life in externals this summer.

I'm getting out of my head. I'm spending time with friends. I'm forging new relationships with people. I'm exploring new things [I totally shot a gun for the first time and it was awesome].

One thing I did do the other day?

Gave my cat a bath.

Holy yikes that was a lovely experience.

The sounds that came out of that animal. It was like she was dying. She sounded like a human child in the revving up stage of a tantrum. Does that make sense?

Either way, it made me nervous about what others might think was going on inside my house. Luckily the windows have been closed for the week since I finally caved and turned on the AC.

-----

Well, this post wasn't too eventful or exciting, so we'll wait for the next ones to come out. Upcoming topics include:

1. Gossip. Why do people do it and what does it gain them? Especially when they don't know the truth.
2. The Pool. Why I am suddenly so attracted to it and why I spend a lot of time there.

I'm not dead . . . see?

Ok, I've been sufficiently chastised about my lack of posting.

So it's happening now.

School is over. The last time I posted school felt like it was far from over. I thought that I was stressed in earlier parts of the year, but I had no idea what was in store for me until I hit May. Wow. That was like being run over by a Mack truck. Every single day. Because I wasn't just stressed by my job or the time of the year, I was also stressed emotionally.

A good friend of mine warned me about graduating seniors. The stress they put on those teachers who truly love them and the hole they can rip in your heart.

That sounds dramatic, huh? Let me explain.

We'll establish some points first.
1. I truly loved my seniors. That was easy enough.
2. They were already special to me because they were my first seniors.
3. We were all looking forward to being friends.

So then their last day happens. We had our awards day, and it was wonderful. We all laughed knowing laughs when I described The Manipulator, shed some tears when I revealed The Arm, and gasped in amazement when we saw the portraits of The Emotional Arguer and The Possessor. It was a fun hour. It was a fun last day for them as well. I had visits and company in all of my subsequent hours. I tried to soak it in.

Then I accompanied the seniors on their senior skip day. It was a great day. Go Karts, rock climbing, Olive Garden, ice skating, the mall, seeing a movie. One of them couldn't make it on the trip however. My first pangs of sadness began.

That weekend my friend, Ann, and I tagged cars with my fellow teacher, Mr. G. Senior cars. And it was such a fun night. Especially because my "sons" showed up and played a great prank on me. Sidenote: that is why I love teaching in a small town. I could never interact with my students in that way if I was in a larger town or school. We ran around, tagged the cars, and had an awesome time.

Then came graduation day. I visited receptions all afternoon. They were good. Not painful at all. Then came graduation. I did my part. I sang. It went well. Then graduation started. They walked across the stage and got their pieces of paper and turned their tassels. Yes, I cried. They were done. I was done officially teaching them and having an established place in their lives.

That evening I went to another reception. I had a good time. I'll admit, I felt a little out of place at times. I imagine it'll take me a few more years to be able to just sit with people from around town and feel like I'm part of the conversation. Sometimes I still feel like an outsider. And there were other circumstances at hand. Anyway, there was a jumbo Jenga game. Saturday Night Live to watch (a favorite of mine, of course). And an Xbox trivia game which I dominated.

Then came the last official week of school. That first day back was torture. I'll admit it. I had an awful day. The rest of the week got better. School ended. Most of my seniors came back to visit with me, which cheered me immensely. The last day of school was celebrated by myself and some fellow employees. That was my first time of relaxation since . . . well, the school year began. Then I went to state track and state baseball.

And now I'm sitting here on my front porch and it's the second night of my official summer.

And I feel lonely.
And I feel bored.
And I feel unproductive.

Even though this is only my second day alone.
Even though I have lots of things on my summer To Do list.
Even though I've already worked through a few of them.

I used to do so well when it came to getting people in my life. I had finally become comfortable with calling up people and getting things together. I truly believe that loneliness is a choice. There are lots of people that I love that I know love me back and would really enjoy spending time together. The fact that I sit at home alone is entirely up to me because hey! I have a phone. I can call them. And they would most likely come over.

The hard part is that the people here that I love and want to spend time with were my students less than two weeks ago. Calling them and inviting them to actually hang out with me and do things still feels taboo. Talking to them is no problem. But setting up hang out times? I'm nervous and insecure all over again. What if they don't want to hang out with me? What if it's too weird? What if I'm boring and uncool and blah blah blah.

Lame, huh?

This is why insecurity is so annoying to the people who have to hear about it from others.

Because it's so STUPID.

For all I know they're feeling the same things I am, only on the other side of the coin. I bet they're thinking, "Why would Miss Martin (whoops, I meant to call her MB!) want to hang out with me? I'm probably not old enough for her to want to hang out. I bet she'd think hanging out with me was boring or stupid."

Ugh.

Come on new friends! Let's be boring together!

Back to school

Ok, so you're going to think I'm crazy.

But then again, you think that about me relatively often if you are a regular follower of this blog. I'm ok with that.

Anyway, here it is:

I miss school.

Not the teaching part. And don't worry, just because my students are currently whining about going through Shakespeare and suffering from major cases of extremely contagious Senioritis does not mean that I hate teaching. Fact: I still love teaching.

No, what I miss is actually being a student.

No, no, no, OK, seriously, hear me out.

Come on, stay with me (See? I told you you'd think I was crazy!) just let me explain.

Tonight at youth group an amazing man came and taught us how to look at the book of Revelation through the filter of the book of Daniel. He went about a million miles per hour, was crazy enthusiastic, and brought handouts and a PowerPoint to go with it.

I was in love.

Seriously. I loved being a student. And tonight I was sitting there on the edge of the pew, pencil poised to catch every tidbit I could while I flipped furiously through my Bible trying to keep up with him.

Now, granted, in high school it was a little hit and miss. Trust me, I did not sit in math or history like that. In math I was too busy trying to make my notes look fun and interesting, and in history I was too busy either doodling in my notebook or wondering what my teacher had had for breakfast because pieces of it were still stuck in his beard and on his collar (true story).

And, if I'm honest, I didn't quite sit like that in English all the time. Except when we did a few novels that I really loved. Or poetry. I was always attentive for that.

But man, oh man. College was a different story. With the major exceptions of anything math-related, Psychology, or Linguistics, I was totally different.

Writing About Film was a revelation. I thought I understood films and how to read them. That class totally opened my eyes. I devoured every film clip we watched in class and then went home, rented the films on Netflix, and went over it again. I watched films over and over again, looking at the use of framing, cuts, color, pacing, angles, music, and symbols. This class gave me a greater love for Altman and more disdain for Scorsese and his overdone symbolism. We get it, he's a Christ-figure, does he really have to die in the crucifix position in slow motion?

Introduction to Logic was such an incredible class that I voluntarily took the Advanced Logic class. I convinced other friends to take it. I learned how to use people's words like math equations. It made me a better arguer, helped me understand syntax and how essential it is to meaning, and grounded me in reality. Not the depressing kind of realism. Just, well, real realism.

Anthropology was fascinating. Even though my father says that it's not a real science I still found it engrossing. Why do people operate the way they do? Why do we congregate? How do other cultures work? What makes them separate from us and what makes us similar? I found that I loved the differences and the nuances in each culture. And I also found that those differences make other cultures (And culture-groups within America) more precious. I love cultural differences and I'm not afraid to admit it.

And all my English classes. It's safe to assume that I love books. It's also safe to assume that I love analyzing literature; therefore, my English classes in college were great. Mostly. There were two with whats-her-name who shall never be mentioned again (she gave me a C once), but otherwise, they were great!

Ah, I miss it.

Oh, but not my education classes.

Sorry to all of you who are future educators, but wow. Those classes. If anything ever felt like a bigger waste of money . . . man. I learned more in my semester of Student Teaching than I did in the previous three full of classes about Diversity, Methods, and Management.

But hey. You gotta do what you gotta do.

And without them, I wouldn't be here.

So, it's all good.

What a fun day!

I had one of the best days at school EVER today.

That's right.

And now it pains me to admit it, but it's because my students blocked my doorway for a canned food drive, which meant that I didn't have class today. Instead, I hung out in the gym all day long and played.

Awesome.

Oh, except for my seniors. We'd had a party planned already, so we just had our party. Threw some apples at a brick wall. You know. Normal stuff.

Also, I found this and it is all kinds of awesome.

Not because I am a hater of my own sex. Not at all. I think I, as a woman, am mysterious, beautiful, and pretty stinkin' cool.

I mostly found this awesome because I love logic. Like, REAL logic where you turn words and phrases in to mathematical equations. And this particular piece of logic is just brilliant.

So true, so true

Nothing much tonight. Just this thought.

T.S. Eliot is better than Broadway

Another new post? My goodness, what is going on?

I chatted with some students for two whole hours after school today. It was wonderful. I love spending time with my students and just getting to know them as people.

Also, tonight was the awards banquet. Next year I'll be up there giving the awards and the little speech for the all-school play, and I realized something:

I'm going to be in way over my head when it comes to putting on a play next year!

I mean, I'm very excited for it, don't get me wrong. I love theatre, and I love acting. I have a lot of experience on all stages of the theatre process, but I still have never actually directed a play on my own. But even that won't be the hardest part. I have to coordinate schedules, work with the activities director, make sure that I have a venue that works, equipment that works......yikes! I'm a more big ideas person and a thinker. I'm not so much a doer. Little nitpicking things like that are tough for me. So I'm already praying that the play will go over well.

Also, I'm about to go through T.S. Eliot with my seniors (yay!) and that led me to revisit my love the of musical Cats. Well, I should say, my former love. It was my literal obsession when I was about five. Not kidding. Here's how it went down:

My sister and I would invite our friends Sheena and Whitney over to play. We'd put on my parents' record (yes, record, as in vinyl) of the musical and then we'd race up the stairs that led down to the living room. Then it was time to make our grand entrances.

You had to creep down the stairs, gingerly, one foot at a time, and make sure you were extra graceful. You were pretending to be a cat, after all. Then you had to move around the living room in a pre-choreographed dance while mouthing all the words. No real singing allowed.

We always fought over who got to be what cat. As in, we would all crowd around the open record cover, looking at the dingy photographs from the original production, and fight over who got to be which cat. I always wanted to be the one with the sleek bodysuit and the Siamese coloring. My sister and the other girls would fight over who got to be the pure white fluffy cat. She was the prettiest.

I secretly wanted to be her too, but I figured that it wasn't worth fighting over. And hey, the Siamese was very pretty in her own way.

Looking back, our little shows were basically just four girls under six years old crawling around on the floor while a record played in the background, meowing, arguing over being imaginary actresses, and forcing our poor parents to sit through yet another show--same as the last seven.

Ah, simpler times.

Lists of things

I'm trying to think of what to write. 

It's hard to come back to blogging when it's been such a long time since my last post. 

I should really do better with all of that. 

I think it's so hard because I have a lot of things that I could catch all of you up on.

But perhaps I should just regulate this particular post to the things currently going on. 

How about I tell you what is around me?

1. My phone, dark and silent. Kind of lonely.

2. My new school laptop, playing Band of Horses....lovely.

3. My English 10 textbook, open to Julius Caesar, untouched and being avoided. 

4. A pile of grading, including tests and papers. Also being avoided.

5. My "To Do" list. It currently has two of ten things crossed off.

6. An empty graham cracker package....my current fixation.

7. My nail box. I am typing this with newly brilliant red nails.

8. My Scrubs season 5 DVDs. Currently on pause while I listen to some good music. 

How about I continue with listing things and I'll give you a list of the last few days?

1. I enjoyed my drive back to Ashland immensely. I left with lots of time to spare and just sort of meandered. I haven't had too many opportunities to do that. It was good thinking time.

2. I've been in the mood to buy new clothes lately. So I did. My spring and summer wardrobes are filling themselves out nicely. And my wallet is considerably slimmer. And for awhile I kept wondering why every girl I ever see in athletic shorts wears those Nike shorts. Now I know. And own two pairs. 

3. One of my dear friends cut my hair, and it was lovely to catch up with her. She cuts a fine head of hair. And I'll be back as soon as school is out for something a little less tame. I almost put feathers in my hair, but I figured that was just a tad too trendy and unprofessional. Darn having to be professional. When summer is here look out, dangit! 

Oh, and do you know about this feather trend? No? This is what I'm talking about, in case you missed it:

4. I saw four baseball games four days in a row. It was a good time. Even though I had to watch my Shockers lose the last one. Although I am slightly disheartened that the dancing and nicknames have lagged since I left for Ashland it is somewhat gratifying to know that it was my enthusiasm that spurred those things on. In my short time back I nicknamed/renamed four players, created a new dance, and resurrected a few old ones. 

5. I've been looking at my standards and the things I desire lately. I've got a lot of conflicts going on in my heart. Questions I've been asking myself: Do I desire temporary happiness or fuller, yet harder, happiness? Are my expectations too high? Am I truly looking at the things in my life through the lens of reality? Would I truly be willing to drag my heart through the dirt for little or no gain? And do these questions even apply to my life right now? 

6. I usually wear jeans in the summer. I create shorts by cutting up pants. I bought my first pair of real shorts this weekend. This is a large step forward. I am determined to put my legs out there. Not like a hussy, mind you, but like a normal person. They're not bad legs. They're pretty average. Ok, they're a little short, but I'm a little short, so I think it evens out to normal-looking legs if you don't compare them to anyone else's.

7. My relationship with Jesus has stagnated. Which sucks. Cause He's sort of amazing. And he died for me. And then totally conquered death and rose again. Dang. But if you're wondering why it might have stagnated, check out list item number 5. It all ties together. 

8. Sometimes I tell people things that they don't need to know. Sometimes I tell them in places where these things don't need to be talked about. Sometimes I tell too many people too many things. If I told everyone that I owned a white car, well, that's a silly thing to tell them, but at least my car actually is white. If I instead told everyone that I was thinking about taking a trip to Europe over the summer (which I'm not), well, then by the time summer rolled around everyone would be waiting for a postcard from Prague. The point is, I tell too many people about too many up-in-the-air things which then makes me look foolish if they don't pan out. 

9. Some things on my mind can't be talked about in a public forum. And I'm sorry, but they also can't be talked about with the large majority of people in my life. But I am so incredibly thankful for a few close friends who do not judge, who support me, who push me toward truth and good choices, and who are trying to understand what's going on in my head. And without them I'd be in a bad place. 

10. It rained today. It made me happy. 

Ouch!

The next few days are tough. I said goodbye to The Monolith a year ago today. Part of me feels rather stupid for knowing that and caring. The other part of me is fully aware that I am STILL healing. You'd think after a year I'd be healed. But, well, anyone who's had to heal from lost love....you understand.

But I'm not here to drag you down. Or at least I'm not trying to do that.

I've been rather snippy or frustrated with my students lately. Some in particular. I believe this is the reason. Not the whole reason, mind you, but part of the reason.

The other part is that I'm ready for summer to be here. I'm ready to relax! And frankly, when my students act stupid in class a lot of me is just really ready to laugh with them. But I still have to teach and maintain order. So then not only am I frustrated that students are goofing off during class time, I'm also doubly frustrated that I still have to be, you know, a TEACHER and put them back on task.

Cause if I still have to do my job then, by golly, they better do theirs. Cause it's just not fair!

Ok, all whining aside, I'm working on not being so frustrated.

And hey! I actually have something fun for you all to end this rather varied blog post.

So I am not one who can stand or sit still. I am a fidgeter. I talk VERY expressively with my hands, swing my feet, sway back and forth, etc. And usually to the amusement of all around.

Ok, so then yesterday I'm in the computer lab with my seniors, who are working diligently on their research papers, and I'm leaning against the counter. As usual, I'm swaying back and forth against the counter.

Suddenly, I feel a rather sharp pain in my right butt cheek.

That's right, you heard me. Butt cheek.

I freeze, and I KNOW my eyes got really wide all of a sudden. Someone asks, "Miss Martin, what's wrong?" I simply smile and say, "Oh, nothing!" while trying to maintain a normal smile.

Luckily the bell is going to ring in one minute, so I just wait for the one male in the room to leave and promptly thrust my hand down the back of my pants.

Sorry for the graphics, but hey, if something stabbed into your butt cheek YOU try walking all the way to bathroom to do that.

Needless to say I found the culprit. A nice splinter, about 3/4inch long. It was ALL THE WAY inside my pants. AND lodged in my flesh.

Ouch.

There are so many jokes I could make at this point, but seeing as all of them are highly inappropriate, I'll hold off.

Let's just say that I'm sure you could imagine a few....

Dresses and techno

It's been awhile, I know.

Things were tough that week. Not just that day. That week.

I cried. A lot. I haven't cried much since coming to Ashland. And that week the floodgates opened up. And it was legitimate, sure. No one likes being told they are hated. And me? Well, we know I take all things to heart, and I love everyone. And being hated by someone simply boggles my mind, I suppose.

Thankfully people reached out. And I felt loved. And comforted. And I'm grateful for all the people who soothed me, tried to make me laugh through the tears, and gave me some perspective.

Lots has gone on. I don't have space to get into it all. Many things are still the same. Loving my kids. Loving living here. Loving my surrogate family. Looking forward to summer. Still being a girl.

And speaking of being a girl, I went shopping for a Prom dress yesterday.

Let me remind you, my dear readers: I hate shopping. I'm too picky. And even worse, I hate shopping with people. So imagine my comfort while shopping for something specific (i.e. Prom dress) with people (i.e. my girlfriends) for an unspecified amount of time.

Don't get me wrong. I love my girls. And I loved seeing them. But I felt like I was dragging them along and taking up their afternoon while trying on awful dress after awful dress. Granted, the dresses were pretty and the girls were having fun (especially when I flashed them and hey, they asked for it!), but I still felt slightly uncomfortable.

BUT! This story has a happy ending! Prom dress has been procured! And wow. It's a beauty. It's a beautiful color, flowing and simple, yet very nicely shaped. I feel awesome in this dress.

It was, however much too long in the straps. And you know what? Today I actually acted even
more like a woman and shortened the straps myself. That's right, folks. Yours truly ripped seams, pushed down the straps, and sewed the dress back up. And it was successful!

Have I lost your attention my dear male readers? I know all this dress talk must be endlessly boring for you.

Hmm. How about this?

I saw HANNA as well.

Holy. Crap. What a movie.

It's beautiful and vicious. That's the best way to describe it. The fight scenes are Bourne-ish. The world is stylized and lush, even in stark places like the snowy forest. And the violence is unapologetic and incredibly in-your-face. These aren't characters who hesitate when it's time to pull the trigger. No. It gets done.

And the soundtrack? Oh my word. The Chemical Brothers. Not kidding, I was sitting practically
on my knees in the theatre chair because I was so excited by this music.

A sucker for kick-A fight scenes paired with hard, industrial techno and throbbing bass? Yeah, ok, you caught me. Guilty.

Here, take a listen to this one. Made the movie for me.

Don't like it? Well, no one's perfect. But I'll like you just a little bit less.

Today was...

Awful.

The end.

Silliness and a serious case of the tingles

Hello my faithful followers.

I'm trying to be a faithful blogger for you. Sometimes it's hard. I mean, I'm sure we're very similar. This means that many of the thoughts floating around my head are nothing new. Just same old thoughts. Floatin' around. Gettin' kinda annoying. This sort of makes it hard to write things for you. And unless something hilarious happens to me I doubt any of you would be interested in the goings on of my life.

Although (and I blush to confess it) I did manage to burn a cake tonight. I know. To cinders. Ugh. Maybe I can cook, but bake? Not exactly. Dang. But it's ok anyway. It was a pineapple cake, and don't ask me why I had one. I don't know. Cause I sure wasn't going to like it anyway. Now I love pineapples, but as a cake? Meh.

See? That was my one anecdote from the day. Pineapples and burnt cakes. Aren't you glad I shared? Don't you feel enlightened? Entertained? No? See? Told you.

Oh, or how about this? I tried on my old dresses from high school today. Yep, they still fit. And I look better in them now.

Yeah.....that was definitely interesting.

Last night a friend and I chatted about my high school days. We went through my old yearbooks, reading comments, laughing at the things people wrote, "aww"ing at the sweet or touching things from friends, and counting up the number of guys I had crushes on each year. Sophomore year was the worst: 12. And that's only the boys who signed my yearbook...

Oh my readers. You have no idea how ridiculously boy crazy I used to be. I'm calmer now, thankfully.

But it made me think about high school. And how much I lived for theatre and choir. Lived for them, people. They were my passions. I know now that theatre was a passion because I loved the people. I loved being in front of an audience and keeping them entertained. And I loved music because, well, it is the foundation of my soul.

Dang, that's deep.

My love of theatre has transferred in interesting ways.

I love entertaining people. Keeping them laughing. Cracking jokes. Making the offhanded comment that puts people in stitches. As any of my friends can tell you, I bank a lot of my personality on the fact that I'm short, cute, and silly. I lessened early on that I cannot tell a joke or make a whip smart remark very well (although the "your face" formula has yet to let me down), so instead I channeled my ability to entertain into being the one that people laughed AT.

Luckily, God made me naturally clumsy, quirky, and fun-sized--all a rather brilliant combination for being laughed at.

My love of theatre also transferred into being a teacher. Thanks to years of performing I can easily tell when I'm losing an audience, and I'm always thinking in terms of keeping my audience's attention. And if I'm losing it then I just act dumb for a second, people laugh, and we get right back on track.

Ah, manipulation. So good.

In all honesty, it's the people who are closest to me, who I trust most, and who know the real me who get to see my seriousness. The quiet me. If I haven't made a joke in thirty minutes and we're just hanging out, don't worry. Nothing is wrong. You're actually just seeing regular ol' MB. The one without the silly games or the shows of clumsiness or quirky gestures. Although, real MB makes gestures too. Dangit.

And music. We all know music is my soul. And in high school that was choir.

I was asked what my favorite song was. And i wanted to choose something hip. Something edgy. But really, all I can think of is a choir piece.

Nerd alert!

This piece is written for men. It's Franz Beibel's arrangement of "Ave Maria" and I've never in my life heard anything more beautiful produced by the human voice. When I listen to this piece, I lay on the floor. I soak in the exquisite harmonies and the so-beautiful-they're-painful dissonances. Chills creep over me and my heart speeds up. When the "Amen"s begin at the end of the piece I feel like my heart could burst out of my chest, slowly at first, but then building in a crescendo of sound that topples me over the edge.

Phew. Almost makes me blush to read that. But that's this piece for me. It's an almost tangible experience. Take a listen. Please.

Enjoy.

And you're welcome for the tingles.

Give 'em a swift kick in the Alberts

Dear boys, this is a warning. This post gets all sorts of girly. Get out while you still can.

And, no, I'm not talking clothes and makeup and jewelry....none of which I like very much anyway. Ok, I lied. I sometimes love makeup, but not in the summer.

And no, I'm not talking mushy feelings crap either. Although there was plenty of that going on in my head today and some will get mentioned here.

No, I'm talking about genuine, biological, girly. You ready?

Yeah.

Hormones suck.

I learned early on that I am led ALL sorts of crazy by my stupid hormones. I used to just let them wash over me without really knowing what was going on or how to get control of them. Suddenly, around the third week of the month (I am as reliable as Big Ben, people) my emotions would start swinging more and more rapidly among depths of despair, dying for a boyfriend (or dying to be with the current one), expansively joyful, and incredibly pissed off.

Dude, I totally get it when you men utterly don't understand us. The feeling is mutual, my friends.

I'd like to say that I got it after a few years, but sadly, it took me about seven years to realize what was going on and over ten years to start correcting it successfully.

Yes. Over ten. No. I'm not old. I was simply an early bloomer. Very early. Let's just say I could technically be the mother of some of my students. Yikes and yikes.

Anywho, I started to get it under control.

But sometimes, my brain and body chemistry has a will of its own. Some months I can just feel it. This one is going to be a doozy. Too much is built up, too much is happening right at the perfect (or worst, if you're a pessimist) time, too many stupid feelings are flying around.

And, by the way, I kind of dislike feelings. They're sneaky. They can't be trusted. Cause dang, mine are here and gone in, like, two seconds. Not joking, I've had crushes on people where I honestly (and this is embarrassing, ok?) thought that we were fated to be together for life. And uh, I barely knew the guys. And yes, I said guys. Plural. That's why it's embarrassing. If you're meant to be with one person for life and it's fate, then thinking that I'm fated to be with one guy after another is a serious flaw in my ability to pair logic with STUPID feelings.

This is also why I am the LAST person to realize when someone has feelings for me. Since I don't trust feelings I ignore the signs from others....I mean, why trust those either, right? Seriously. If I don't hear the exact words I won't believe it. Yeah. Nice, I know.

Anyway AGAIN, sorry for the long digressions.

This month? This week. Ayi mama, it promised to be a doozy.

And I should probably never say those words again. They sort of don't work for me.

And today? Oh today. It showed just how much of a perfect storm my hormones and life situations can create. I'm hopeful most students didn't catch on. I know some did, unfortunately. I like to think of those who did as having Martin radar. They watch me closely and pick up on the littlest things about me. And you know exactly who you are.

But man. Great mood this morning. Then SUPER pissed. Then annoyed. Then sad. Then lonely. Then that sort-of angry lonely where it's like life is taunting you just to be a B. Then I felt like crying. Yep. For the first time ever I felt like crying at school today. Because of things at school. Twice. Yikes.

I my hormones had balls I would kick them. Sorry. Violence. Never pretty.

Santa Fe: Part Two

Ok, my rabid readers. I'm home from Santa Fe now and incredibly happy to be so. It was beautiful. It was fun. It was wonderful to get some quality time with the rents (especially since I never get to see them). But in all honesty, I missed Ashland.

I know my parents (Dad especially) think I'm crazy for how much I love my little town. They love the city (Dad especially). I love it too. But I found what my heart loves more. And that's this town with these people that I've met. Honestly, I've made some true heart friends out here, I've grown into myself (finally), and I've found a job that I look forward to each day with joy. I know that at least makes them very happy even if it does mean that they're losing their sophisticated city girl to small town Kansas. Cause I'm totally happy about that.

Ok, let's recap that last half of Santa Fe, shall we? How about another top ten things. Sounds good to me.

1. I am totally backwards with long drives. Bright sun and heat make me want to do nothing but sleep. And sleep I did on the long drive to and from Taos. Which was a fun trip but the main reason we went--which was to see the pueblo--was unavailable. Disappointing. BUT....

2. I again looked at shiny and pretty things. Jewelry always calls my name. And I have to look at it and say, "Silly jewelry, why do you call my name? You know I'll never ever wear you." Which is totally true. I actually really dislike the look of things hanging around my neck. If I were a guy, I'd totally think that a sweep of bare neck was much sexier than one with shiny things obscuring it. But maybe that's just me.

3. Ok, can I start this by saying that I'm a toucher? I can't help it. I see something that interests me and, like a five-year-old, I have to reach out and touch it. So, naturally, I see a metal sculpture of a salamander I find interesting. Not because I particularly like salamanders, but simply because I wanted to feel the metal. I place it back on the shelf, it nudges the little ceramic sculpture behind it, and in slow motion I watch a little green tree frog topple onto the floor and break. Excellent. My mom thinks I should keep it. I think it's only a reminder that sometimes I'm more immature than my fourteen-year-old students. But perhaps that's a good thing......

4. I introduced my mom to the world of toe shoes (whose official brand name is Vibram). She got herself a pair and, since the sales lady was kind enough to give us 10% off, I took the opportunity to get myself a new pair: all black with only a strap across the foot. Love. Them. Oh, and the sales lady asked if I was a toe girl. Um, yes, hello? I walked on my tiptoes EVERYWHERE when I was little. I used my toes instead of hands to pick things up. I would give thumbs ups with my toes. And......

5. I still walk on my toes. And Vibrams make me want to do it a lot. So what do I do on a stop on the way in to Taos? I walk around the courtyard (seemingly alone) on my tip toes. What do I learn later? My father was spying on me with his video camera, capturing every second. And let's just say I look ridiculous. Not to mention all I can stare at is my butt, which he got a lovely close-up of to catch my feet and legs. Ugh.

6. That place, however, was lovely. The Santuario de Chimayo. Thousands of Catholics journey from Alburqueque to this place once a year because it is said that the dirt has healing properties. I have to say, the place itself seems to have healing properties. I felt refreshed there. Calm. Content. Even with unanswered questions in my life. It was a good stop.

7. Drinks at the home of my dad's friend Bob and his husband Hector. SUCH a lovely home (and very tasty margaritas). I enjoyed their company immensely, and ate a LOT of guacamole (one of my favorite things). Also, their backyard overlooks the place where True Grit was shot. That's right, my fears. I got to see the place where True Grit was filmed. I know that at least a few of you will appreciate that. Please feel free to be jealous.

8. I dressed up every time we went to dinner. My parents did not. I don't know why they didn't. That's one area where the city in me will never leave, I guess. Dinner out is FUN. And if you're going to go out then why not GO OUT, you know? Dress up! Darken that eyeliner! Put on the heels! Honestly, part of it is that I never get to REALLY dress up. I mean, my students see me looking nice, but not dressed to go OUT. So you bet I will take any chance I can get to smolder out there. Even if it is just my parents!

9. I read two whole books on the drives. Holy cow. That's a lot for me right now. My reading in the last few months has consisted of what my students read. Next year will be better since I won't have to spend SO much time reading and rereading what I'm going to teach them. And the best part about my reading? It's all self-contained on my E-reader which means that I can carry around hundreds of books all on one slim little device. Perfect!

10. Santa Fe is all artists and good food. And I think we over-indulged on both. I missed my music. And I know I'll greet my briefly fuller frame with annoyance for a bit. Luckily, the weather is nicer, so all I have to do is slip on my new Vibrams, put my sweet bike pants, and hop on the Trek for a few miles. Or a few hours. Whatever works.

Only two more days of freedom before it's back to the grindstone.

And then one month to Prom.

And two months to graduation.

And then one more week until school is out.

I mean, look. I love my job.

But I'm ready for summer and all that comes with it.

Santa Fe: Part One

Ok, first, let's start with a few pre-Santa Fe things.

My parents are awesome.
I really needed this break.
I am a kick-A cook.

Over this last month the electronic things in my home died. Don't ask me why. My laptop croaked. The DVD player in my old TV suddenly decided to stop working. I could no longer watch DVDs in my own home. Not kidding, in order to watch The Social Network I had to curl up on the couch in the library at school. At 10:00 at night. It was kind of cool, but also annoying.

I'm going to say it all happened because I am an unusually electric person and the devices could simply no longer handle the charge from being around me. Yep. Stop laughing. Jerks.

Well, my parents arrive this weekend. And they have something with them. That something would be an LCD HDTV for me and a Blu-Ray player. Holy crap. No words. Except that they are awesome. And generous. And I am spoiled. And I will need tom work very hard to show how grateful to them I am.

And before they arrive I ask what they would like for dinner. My mom says, "Well, a roast would be mice."

A roast? Um, I've never made a roast before. BUT, one of my major life goals is to make a large array of food that is so good that people dream about it, crave it, and beg for it. And a roast? Well, that's like, a STAPLE. Like meatloaf. Like chicken and noodles. Like pumpkin pie or chocolate chip cookies.

So I bought the supplies, thought about how to put it together, and went for it.

Um, it was amazing, if I say so myself. Wow. I was almost sad that my parents helped me eat it. And it was a chuck roast too. Not the best cut. And it was still juicy and tender enough. I feel like I'm well on my way with the cooking.

Ok. So the break begins. Much needed. Have you read the last few posts? Yeah, they've been a little heavy. And for those of you who enjoy this blog because I write about the funny things in my life, well, I don't blame you if you've been a little tired of that thus far.

I'm tired of it too! Heavy thoughts are always in my head, but they're usually equally matched by the lighter things. I feel like those have been missing lately.

Well, here's a few:

1. Driving into Santa Fe is awesome. Mountains!

2. I got my own motel room. Score! This will come in very handy when I want to watch something on TV and I don't have to share the remote with my father, who, God love him, never watches what I want. And I can walk around wearing whatever I want. Or whatever I don't want. You know.

3. I really like hot tubs. In private courtyards. With a fireplace and a couch. Under the stars. Big enough to swim in. Awesome. Awesome. Oh, and I finally got to break in my new swimsuit.

4. Despite the fact that I'm not Catholic, I adore cathedrals. And I got to see an amazing one. And every now and then I need a reminder of how much Jesus suffered on the cross, and, frankly, no one does the blood and gore and pain of Christ like Catholics. The statue of Him on the cross in the chapel actually had REAL hair. That creeped me out a bit.

5. I got to see a lot of art. A lot. I didn't realize I'd missed it until I was wandering through the Georgia O'Keefe museum. And here's the thing. O'Keefe's works have been interpreted as expressions of her sexuality, and it turns out that's wrong! She hated that. And I didn't know that until this week. And the sad thing is, even knowing that, all I can see when I look at her abstract flower paintings? Lady parts. Sorry.

6. I had half a rack of lamb for dinner last night. And I was having trouble deciding between a few entrees. And then I realized I could make an awesome joke if I ordered the lamb. And I'm not ashamed to say that I got the half rack so I could send a picture with this tweet: "Mary had a little lamb...." HECK yeah.

7. I love wine. And my family loves wine as well. And sometimes we love it a lot. Not too much, but, well, a lot. Let's just say we had fun last night. And my mother is adorable when she has a few glasses. We're blaming the high altitude......

8. I was admiring some pretty jewelry yesterday. And my face was right next to the glass of the window. And I wanted a closer look. And.....you guessed it. SLAMMED my forehead into the glass. With a resounding gong. Yeah. I was totally that person who forgets a window is there and then knocks herself out trying to get a closer look. My father found it highly enjoyable. I told him he was a terrible person. As I was wiping the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard.

9. I have enjoyed Santa Fe so far. The city isn't for me. But an hour outside of the city? Oh my gosh. Wow. I had to scrape my forehead off of the car window. And the red rocks made me homesick.

10. I've been wearing my hipster glasses everywhere. Partly because I think they're fun. Partly to feel different. And partly because it kind of makes me laugh. Either way, I look like a huge nerd. And I like that right now. I'll go back to looking professional and put together when school starts again, but if I had my choice right now, it'd be shorts, V-necked T-shirts, air-dried hair, sandals, and hipster glasses on a regular basis.

Ok, maybe not hipster glasses all the time. Maybe just sometimes.

The beauty amid the pain

This last weekend I went to watch our basketball team play in the Sub-State tournament. It was an exciting game. I never thought I would enjoy basketball as much as I did, but I found out that I like it quite a bit. I think a lot of it had to do with watching our team. Sometimes those boys can be little snots in the classroom (but don't worry, I still love 'em), but on the court, they are great together. They love each other. They give to each other. They are family. 

We lost the game. It was heartbreaking. We all cried. I wanted to hug each one of them. I was so proud of them all. 

And have you ever noticed that sometimes there's something exquisitely, terribly beautiful about pain captured on film? I'm not taking credit for these pictures. They were taken by someone else. I merely photo-shopped them a bit. But man, these pictures really capture those moments after the final buzzer. And they are painful. And they are beautiful. 

And you are welcome to take them and use them as you please if you like the way they've been photo-shopped.