Today was...

Awful.

The end.

Silliness and a serious case of the tingles

Hello my faithful followers.

I'm trying to be a faithful blogger for you. Sometimes it's hard. I mean, I'm sure we're very similar. This means that many of the thoughts floating around my head are nothing new. Just same old thoughts. Floatin' around. Gettin' kinda annoying. This sort of makes it hard to write things for you. And unless something hilarious happens to me I doubt any of you would be interested in the goings on of my life.

Although (and I blush to confess it) I did manage to burn a cake tonight. I know. To cinders. Ugh. Maybe I can cook, but bake? Not exactly. Dang. But it's ok anyway. It was a pineapple cake, and don't ask me why I had one. I don't know. Cause I sure wasn't going to like it anyway. Now I love pineapples, but as a cake? Meh.

See? That was my one anecdote from the day. Pineapples and burnt cakes. Aren't you glad I shared? Don't you feel enlightened? Entertained? No? See? Told you.

Oh, or how about this? I tried on my old dresses from high school today. Yep, they still fit. And I look better in them now.

Yeah.....that was definitely interesting.

Last night a friend and I chatted about my high school days. We went through my old yearbooks, reading comments, laughing at the things people wrote, "aww"ing at the sweet or touching things from friends, and counting up the number of guys I had crushes on each year. Sophomore year was the worst: 12. And that's only the boys who signed my yearbook...

Oh my readers. You have no idea how ridiculously boy crazy I used to be. I'm calmer now, thankfully.

But it made me think about high school. And how much I lived for theatre and choir. Lived for them, people. They were my passions. I know now that theatre was a passion because I loved the people. I loved being in front of an audience and keeping them entertained. And I loved music because, well, it is the foundation of my soul.

Dang, that's deep.

My love of theatre has transferred in interesting ways.

I love entertaining people. Keeping them laughing. Cracking jokes. Making the offhanded comment that puts people in stitches. As any of my friends can tell you, I bank a lot of my personality on the fact that I'm short, cute, and silly. I lessened early on that I cannot tell a joke or make a whip smart remark very well (although the "your face" formula has yet to let me down), so instead I channeled my ability to entertain into being the one that people laughed AT.

Luckily, God made me naturally clumsy, quirky, and fun-sized--all a rather brilliant combination for being laughed at.

My love of theatre also transferred into being a teacher. Thanks to years of performing I can easily tell when I'm losing an audience, and I'm always thinking in terms of keeping my audience's attention. And if I'm losing it then I just act dumb for a second, people laugh, and we get right back on track.

Ah, manipulation. So good.

In all honesty, it's the people who are closest to me, who I trust most, and who know the real me who get to see my seriousness. The quiet me. If I haven't made a joke in thirty minutes and we're just hanging out, don't worry. Nothing is wrong. You're actually just seeing regular ol' MB. The one without the silly games or the shows of clumsiness or quirky gestures. Although, real MB makes gestures too. Dangit.

And music. We all know music is my soul. And in high school that was choir.

I was asked what my favorite song was. And i wanted to choose something hip. Something edgy. But really, all I can think of is a choir piece.

Nerd alert!

This piece is written for men. It's Franz Beibel's arrangement of "Ave Maria" and I've never in my life heard anything more beautiful produced by the human voice. When I listen to this piece, I lay on the floor. I soak in the exquisite harmonies and the so-beautiful-they're-painful dissonances. Chills creep over me and my heart speeds up. When the "Amen"s begin at the end of the piece I feel like my heart could burst out of my chest, slowly at first, but then building in a crescendo of sound that topples me over the edge.

Phew. Almost makes me blush to read that. But that's this piece for me. It's an almost tangible experience. Take a listen. Please.

Enjoy.

And you're welcome for the tingles.

Give 'em a swift kick in the Alberts

Dear boys, this is a warning. This post gets all sorts of girly. Get out while you still can.

And, no, I'm not talking clothes and makeup and jewelry....none of which I like very much anyway. Ok, I lied. I sometimes love makeup, but not in the summer.

And no, I'm not talking mushy feelings crap either. Although there was plenty of that going on in my head today and some will get mentioned here.

No, I'm talking about genuine, biological, girly. You ready?

Yeah.

Hormones suck.

I learned early on that I am led ALL sorts of crazy by my stupid hormones. I used to just let them wash over me without really knowing what was going on or how to get control of them. Suddenly, around the third week of the month (I am as reliable as Big Ben, people) my emotions would start swinging more and more rapidly among depths of despair, dying for a boyfriend (or dying to be with the current one), expansively joyful, and incredibly pissed off.

Dude, I totally get it when you men utterly don't understand us. The feeling is mutual, my friends.

I'd like to say that I got it after a few years, but sadly, it took me about seven years to realize what was going on and over ten years to start correcting it successfully.

Yes. Over ten. No. I'm not old. I was simply an early bloomer. Very early. Let's just say I could technically be the mother of some of my students. Yikes and yikes.

Anywho, I started to get it under control.

But sometimes, my brain and body chemistry has a will of its own. Some months I can just feel it. This one is going to be a doozy. Too much is built up, too much is happening right at the perfect (or worst, if you're a pessimist) time, too many stupid feelings are flying around.

And, by the way, I kind of dislike feelings. They're sneaky. They can't be trusted. Cause dang, mine are here and gone in, like, two seconds. Not joking, I've had crushes on people where I honestly (and this is embarrassing, ok?) thought that we were fated to be together for life. And uh, I barely knew the guys. And yes, I said guys. Plural. That's why it's embarrassing. If you're meant to be with one person for life and it's fate, then thinking that I'm fated to be with one guy after another is a serious flaw in my ability to pair logic with STUPID feelings.

This is also why I am the LAST person to realize when someone has feelings for me. Since I don't trust feelings I ignore the signs from others....I mean, why trust those either, right? Seriously. If I don't hear the exact words I won't believe it. Yeah. Nice, I know.

Anyway AGAIN, sorry for the long digressions.

This month? This week. Ayi mama, it promised to be a doozy.

And I should probably never say those words again. They sort of don't work for me.

And today? Oh today. It showed just how much of a perfect storm my hormones and life situations can create. I'm hopeful most students didn't catch on. I know some did, unfortunately. I like to think of those who did as having Martin radar. They watch me closely and pick up on the littlest things about me. And you know exactly who you are.

But man. Great mood this morning. Then SUPER pissed. Then annoyed. Then sad. Then lonely. Then that sort-of angry lonely where it's like life is taunting you just to be a B. Then I felt like crying. Yep. For the first time ever I felt like crying at school today. Because of things at school. Twice. Yikes.

I my hormones had balls I would kick them. Sorry. Violence. Never pretty.

Santa Fe: Part Two

Ok, my rabid readers. I'm home from Santa Fe now and incredibly happy to be so. It was beautiful. It was fun. It was wonderful to get some quality time with the rents (especially since I never get to see them). But in all honesty, I missed Ashland.

I know my parents (Dad especially) think I'm crazy for how much I love my little town. They love the city (Dad especially). I love it too. But I found what my heart loves more. And that's this town with these people that I've met. Honestly, I've made some true heart friends out here, I've grown into myself (finally), and I've found a job that I look forward to each day with joy. I know that at least makes them very happy even if it does mean that they're losing their sophisticated city girl to small town Kansas. Cause I'm totally happy about that.

Ok, let's recap that last half of Santa Fe, shall we? How about another top ten things. Sounds good to me.

1. I am totally backwards with long drives. Bright sun and heat make me want to do nothing but sleep. And sleep I did on the long drive to and from Taos. Which was a fun trip but the main reason we went--which was to see the pueblo--was unavailable. Disappointing. BUT....

2. I again looked at shiny and pretty things. Jewelry always calls my name. And I have to look at it and say, "Silly jewelry, why do you call my name? You know I'll never ever wear you." Which is totally true. I actually really dislike the look of things hanging around my neck. If I were a guy, I'd totally think that a sweep of bare neck was much sexier than one with shiny things obscuring it. But maybe that's just me.

3. Ok, can I start this by saying that I'm a toucher? I can't help it. I see something that interests me and, like a five-year-old, I have to reach out and touch it. So, naturally, I see a metal sculpture of a salamander I find interesting. Not because I particularly like salamanders, but simply because I wanted to feel the metal. I place it back on the shelf, it nudges the little ceramic sculpture behind it, and in slow motion I watch a little green tree frog topple onto the floor and break. Excellent. My mom thinks I should keep it. I think it's only a reminder that sometimes I'm more immature than my fourteen-year-old students. But perhaps that's a good thing......

4. I introduced my mom to the world of toe shoes (whose official brand name is Vibram). She got herself a pair and, since the sales lady was kind enough to give us 10% off, I took the opportunity to get myself a new pair: all black with only a strap across the foot. Love. Them. Oh, and the sales lady asked if I was a toe girl. Um, yes, hello? I walked on my tiptoes EVERYWHERE when I was little. I used my toes instead of hands to pick things up. I would give thumbs ups with my toes. And......

5. I still walk on my toes. And Vibrams make me want to do it a lot. So what do I do on a stop on the way in to Taos? I walk around the courtyard (seemingly alone) on my tip toes. What do I learn later? My father was spying on me with his video camera, capturing every second. And let's just say I look ridiculous. Not to mention all I can stare at is my butt, which he got a lovely close-up of to catch my feet and legs. Ugh.

6. That place, however, was lovely. The Santuario de Chimayo. Thousands of Catholics journey from Alburqueque to this place once a year because it is said that the dirt has healing properties. I have to say, the place itself seems to have healing properties. I felt refreshed there. Calm. Content. Even with unanswered questions in my life. It was a good stop.

7. Drinks at the home of my dad's friend Bob and his husband Hector. SUCH a lovely home (and very tasty margaritas). I enjoyed their company immensely, and ate a LOT of guacamole (one of my favorite things). Also, their backyard overlooks the place where True Grit was shot. That's right, my fears. I got to see the place where True Grit was filmed. I know that at least a few of you will appreciate that. Please feel free to be jealous.

8. I dressed up every time we went to dinner. My parents did not. I don't know why they didn't. That's one area where the city in me will never leave, I guess. Dinner out is FUN. And if you're going to go out then why not GO OUT, you know? Dress up! Darken that eyeliner! Put on the heels! Honestly, part of it is that I never get to REALLY dress up. I mean, my students see me looking nice, but not dressed to go OUT. So you bet I will take any chance I can get to smolder out there. Even if it is just my parents!

9. I read two whole books on the drives. Holy cow. That's a lot for me right now. My reading in the last few months has consisted of what my students read. Next year will be better since I won't have to spend SO much time reading and rereading what I'm going to teach them. And the best part about my reading? It's all self-contained on my E-reader which means that I can carry around hundreds of books all on one slim little device. Perfect!

10. Santa Fe is all artists and good food. And I think we over-indulged on both. I missed my music. And I know I'll greet my briefly fuller frame with annoyance for a bit. Luckily, the weather is nicer, so all I have to do is slip on my new Vibrams, put my sweet bike pants, and hop on the Trek for a few miles. Or a few hours. Whatever works.

Only two more days of freedom before it's back to the grindstone.

And then one month to Prom.

And two months to graduation.

And then one more week until school is out.

I mean, look. I love my job.

But I'm ready for summer and all that comes with it.

Santa Fe: Part One

Ok, first, let's start with a few pre-Santa Fe things.

My parents are awesome.
I really needed this break.
I am a kick-A cook.

Over this last month the electronic things in my home died. Don't ask me why. My laptop croaked. The DVD player in my old TV suddenly decided to stop working. I could no longer watch DVDs in my own home. Not kidding, in order to watch The Social Network I had to curl up on the couch in the library at school. At 10:00 at night. It was kind of cool, but also annoying.

I'm going to say it all happened because I am an unusually electric person and the devices could simply no longer handle the charge from being around me. Yep. Stop laughing. Jerks.

Well, my parents arrive this weekend. And they have something with them. That something would be an LCD HDTV for me and a Blu-Ray player. Holy crap. No words. Except that they are awesome. And generous. And I am spoiled. And I will need tom work very hard to show how grateful to them I am.

And before they arrive I ask what they would like for dinner. My mom says, "Well, a roast would be mice."

A roast? Um, I've never made a roast before. BUT, one of my major life goals is to make a large array of food that is so good that people dream about it, crave it, and beg for it. And a roast? Well, that's like, a STAPLE. Like meatloaf. Like chicken and noodles. Like pumpkin pie or chocolate chip cookies.

So I bought the supplies, thought about how to put it together, and went for it.

Um, it was amazing, if I say so myself. Wow. I was almost sad that my parents helped me eat it. And it was a chuck roast too. Not the best cut. And it was still juicy and tender enough. I feel like I'm well on my way with the cooking.

Ok. So the break begins. Much needed. Have you read the last few posts? Yeah, they've been a little heavy. And for those of you who enjoy this blog because I write about the funny things in my life, well, I don't blame you if you've been a little tired of that thus far.

I'm tired of it too! Heavy thoughts are always in my head, but they're usually equally matched by the lighter things. I feel like those have been missing lately.

Well, here's a few:

1. Driving into Santa Fe is awesome. Mountains!

2. I got my own motel room. Score! This will come in very handy when I want to watch something on TV and I don't have to share the remote with my father, who, God love him, never watches what I want. And I can walk around wearing whatever I want. Or whatever I don't want. You know.

3. I really like hot tubs. In private courtyards. With a fireplace and a couch. Under the stars. Big enough to swim in. Awesome. Awesome. Oh, and I finally got to break in my new swimsuit.

4. Despite the fact that I'm not Catholic, I adore cathedrals. And I got to see an amazing one. And every now and then I need a reminder of how much Jesus suffered on the cross, and, frankly, no one does the blood and gore and pain of Christ like Catholics. The statue of Him on the cross in the chapel actually had REAL hair. That creeped me out a bit.

5. I got to see a lot of art. A lot. I didn't realize I'd missed it until I was wandering through the Georgia O'Keefe museum. And here's the thing. O'Keefe's works have been interpreted as expressions of her sexuality, and it turns out that's wrong! She hated that. And I didn't know that until this week. And the sad thing is, even knowing that, all I can see when I look at her abstract flower paintings? Lady parts. Sorry.

6. I had half a rack of lamb for dinner last night. And I was having trouble deciding between a few entrees. And then I realized I could make an awesome joke if I ordered the lamb. And I'm not ashamed to say that I got the half rack so I could send a picture with this tweet: "Mary had a little lamb...." HECK yeah.

7. I love wine. And my family loves wine as well. And sometimes we love it a lot. Not too much, but, well, a lot. Let's just say we had fun last night. And my mother is adorable when she has a few glasses. We're blaming the high altitude......

8. I was admiring some pretty jewelry yesterday. And my face was right next to the glass of the window. And I wanted a closer look. And.....you guessed it. SLAMMED my forehead into the glass. With a resounding gong. Yeah. I was totally that person who forgets a window is there and then knocks herself out trying to get a closer look. My father found it highly enjoyable. I told him he was a terrible person. As I was wiping the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard.

9. I have enjoyed Santa Fe so far. The city isn't for me. But an hour outside of the city? Oh my gosh. Wow. I had to scrape my forehead off of the car window. And the red rocks made me homesick.

10. I've been wearing my hipster glasses everywhere. Partly because I think they're fun. Partly to feel different. And partly because it kind of makes me laugh. Either way, I look like a huge nerd. And I like that right now. I'll go back to looking professional and put together when school starts again, but if I had my choice right now, it'd be shorts, V-necked T-shirts, air-dried hair, sandals, and hipster glasses on a regular basis.

Ok, maybe not hipster glasses all the time. Maybe just sometimes.

The beauty amid the pain

This last weekend I went to watch our basketball team play in the Sub-State tournament. It was an exciting game. I never thought I would enjoy basketball as much as I did, but I found out that I like it quite a bit. I think a lot of it had to do with watching our team. Sometimes those boys can be little snots in the classroom (but don't worry, I still love 'em), but on the court, they are great together. They love each other. They give to each other. They are family. 

We lost the game. It was heartbreaking. We all cried. I wanted to hug each one of them. I was so proud of them all. 

And have you ever noticed that sometimes there's something exquisitely, terribly beautiful about pain captured on film? I'm not taking credit for these pictures. They were taken by someone else. I merely photo-shopped them a bit. But man, these pictures really capture those moments after the final buzzer. And they are painful. And they are beautiful. 

And you are welcome to take them and use them as you please if you like the way they've been photo-shopped.

My 'yes' is on the table.

I said I would post, didn't I? Not sure what you're about to get, but let's figure it out together, hmm?

It's been an interesting month, folks. My poor little heart has had her ups and downs, and honestly, she's not used to this many downs. It's kind of a downer. Which.....makes sense.

But let's boil it down to one thing that I've been learning lately:

God's got it.

Oh, so simple, yet oh, so true.

Sometimes I feel like my head and heart have become a jumble of questions. The why?'s and the what if?'s and the huh?'s and the what-the-heck-are-you-doing?'s seem to be accumulating into one big pile that threatens to topple at any second.

Most of it has to do with my heart. Singleness. Timelines. Ugh. Things that I can't seem to stop wondering about and pondering and which I imagine would bore more of you to tears. Seriously? The girl is writing another post about her stinkin' heart? Can I stab my eyes out? Where'd I put that letter opener....


Ok, perhaps you're not that tired of hearing about my heart, but boy am I tired of thinking about it. And wondering about it. And chatting about it with friends. Honestly, my poor girls are the most incredible people in the world. All they ever hear is me yammering on about the struggles of my heart.

What does she struggle with? I wish I could tell you, gentle readers. I wish I could spill exact situations, intimate details, names and places, my secret thoughts and the terrible yearnings that keep me up at night. But alas (or thankfully), even I--the most confessional of people--know when to keep a lid on some things. I have learned to spill those things to perhaps three lucky/unlucky ladies. The rest of you get the somewhat diluted details. But you know what? It's not the details that are important. What's important is what I can write about.

What can I write about?

I can write about how good God is. How He's always got me in the right place. How He can take what looks like a hopeless situation and breathe life into it in a way I never knew before. How He can make hard conversations flow smoothly (even if they're still hard). How He can show me answers when I didn't think any were possible. How He can bolster my patience when I really want certain answers but they're not coming.

-

We had a forensics meet in Pratt this last weekend. After the meet we were all headed up to St. John to watch our basketball guys play in the Sub-State tournament. Well, we had about an hour to kill after grabbing a late lunch. What do we do?

The park, of course!

What does MB do?

Act like a 5 year-old, of course! Again.

Merry-go-rounds, swings, monkey bars, cherry drops, climbing trees, skipping stones, awkward nature hikes, enjoying running water, collecting shells.....little kid heaven.

Only thing is, as I'm sitting on the edge of the water watching my delightful students messing around on the other bank, one of my girls says to me, "Miss Martin, you are so cute! How are you not married yet?!"

Oh my darling girl. How often I have wondered this question to myself.

And finally, the next day a few pieces fell into place.

You know how I came to be in Ashland? Well, let me be the first to say that it was not my original choice, nor was I thrilled about the option when it was first presented to me. Hard to believe that now, but it's the truth. I came to the interview and was immediately freaked out. This place did not seem right. Too small. Too remote. Too.....much.

So I pull in every interview in Wichita I can. I call around. I peddle myself around like the cheapest hooker on South Broadway (yeah, not the greatest simile, but hey, if we're talking about Wichita . . .). I have impeccable references. A perfect GPA. I am charming, articulate, enthusiastic, hip yet professional, and very clear that I want to be in Wichita.

And....nothing. Nothing!

My friends are stunned. My cooperating teacher is flabbergasted. How is this possible? She's a perfect fit! How could no one call her back?!


I have no choice. I accept in Ashland. I cry after I make that call.

I pack up.

I move.

I settle.

I wander for the summer.

School begins. I meet my colleagues. I get comfortable in my room. Then I meet my students.

Oh. Oh. I get it now, God. You are so right. This is totally where I belong. This is totally what I'm supposed to be doing. I love this place. I love my part in it. I love these people. I really love these kids.

I hated what He did in my life, but I obeyed. Albeit, I did it kicking and screaming, but I said yes when He said DO THIS.

--

So. All that to say that I don't have answers or explanations for a lot of things right now. But I've said yes to Him in all of these situations. Granted, some of the situations took awhile. And if you think I came to Ashland with some kicking and screaming, let's just say that some of the recent kicking and screaming I've been doing could easily give that a run for its money.

--

Singleness is hard. It's good for a time, but does anyone really love singleness? Some may, but like the large majority of people I wasn't built for it. But God's asked me for singleness for some undisclosed length of time. I'm hoping it's not, you know, like ten years, but hey. It could be.

I've been hating it, but I realized after Pratt that it's just like Him sending me to Ashland.

God asked me to go into singleness. Just like I didn't want to leave Wichita, I didn't want to leave The Monolith. I really didn't want to leave The Monolith. It was safe there. It was familiar. Sure, it wasn't ideal or really encouraging my walk with God, but at least it wasn't hurting it. But No, God said. I'm sending you into singleness.

So I said yes.

And right now I feel like I'm in that sort of aimless stage where I've said my yes and I'm here but I'm not sure why yet. It hasn't been boring. My heart has reawakened and she's shown herself to be much more feisty, fickle, joyous, and pulled in strange directions than I ever thought she would be. And honestly, it feels good to be free for now, despite deeper desires. I can have fun. I can flirt again. I can make my own plans on my own timeline.

And I guess that's what I need right now. Because if I was ready for my man, God would bring him to me.

Guess I'm still settling into who I need to be for him. Guess he's still settling into who he needs to be for me. And I'm trusting that God will show us each other when we're ready for it.

'Cause I've already said yes to whatever God's got planned for me.

Hello my long, lost friends!

Oh my word my darlings. I cannot believe I have been away from you for so long.

I love you all.

I miss blogging.

My lappy is dead.

Stupid lappy.

I promise, promise, promise you that I will blog again soon.

Honestly.

At least I updated the look of the site. That's a nice change right?

Yeah, ok, I know. You want words. You want to know what's going on inside this brain of mine.

You know what? I'd love to know that too.

Hopefully I'll figure that out soon and I can let you all know here!