My 'yes' is on the table.

I said I would post, didn't I? Not sure what you're about to get, but let's figure it out together, hmm?

It's been an interesting month, folks. My poor little heart has had her ups and downs, and honestly, she's not used to this many downs. It's kind of a downer. Which.....makes sense.

But let's boil it down to one thing that I've been learning lately:

God's got it.

Oh, so simple, yet oh, so true.

Sometimes I feel like my head and heart have become a jumble of questions. The why?'s and the what if?'s and the huh?'s and the what-the-heck-are-you-doing?'s seem to be accumulating into one big pile that threatens to topple at any second.

Most of it has to do with my heart. Singleness. Timelines. Ugh. Things that I can't seem to stop wondering about and pondering and which I imagine would bore more of you to tears. Seriously? The girl is writing another post about her stinkin' heart? Can I stab my eyes out? Where'd I put that letter opener....


Ok, perhaps you're not that tired of hearing about my heart, but boy am I tired of thinking about it. And wondering about it. And chatting about it with friends. Honestly, my poor girls are the most incredible people in the world. All they ever hear is me yammering on about the struggles of my heart.

What does she struggle with? I wish I could tell you, gentle readers. I wish I could spill exact situations, intimate details, names and places, my secret thoughts and the terrible yearnings that keep me up at night. But alas (or thankfully), even I--the most confessional of people--know when to keep a lid on some things. I have learned to spill those things to perhaps three lucky/unlucky ladies. The rest of you get the somewhat diluted details. But you know what? It's not the details that are important. What's important is what I can write about.

What can I write about?

I can write about how good God is. How He's always got me in the right place. How He can take what looks like a hopeless situation and breathe life into it in a way I never knew before. How He can make hard conversations flow smoothly (even if they're still hard). How He can show me answers when I didn't think any were possible. How He can bolster my patience when I really want certain answers but they're not coming.

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We had a forensics meet in Pratt this last weekend. After the meet we were all headed up to St. John to watch our basketball guys play in the Sub-State tournament. Well, we had about an hour to kill after grabbing a late lunch. What do we do?

The park, of course!

What does MB do?

Act like a 5 year-old, of course! Again.

Merry-go-rounds, swings, monkey bars, cherry drops, climbing trees, skipping stones, awkward nature hikes, enjoying running water, collecting shells.....little kid heaven.

Only thing is, as I'm sitting on the edge of the water watching my delightful students messing around on the other bank, one of my girls says to me, "Miss Martin, you are so cute! How are you not married yet?!"

Oh my darling girl. How often I have wondered this question to myself.

And finally, the next day a few pieces fell into place.

You know how I came to be in Ashland? Well, let me be the first to say that it was not my original choice, nor was I thrilled about the option when it was first presented to me. Hard to believe that now, but it's the truth. I came to the interview and was immediately freaked out. This place did not seem right. Too small. Too remote. Too.....much.

So I pull in every interview in Wichita I can. I call around. I peddle myself around like the cheapest hooker on South Broadway (yeah, not the greatest simile, but hey, if we're talking about Wichita . . .). I have impeccable references. A perfect GPA. I am charming, articulate, enthusiastic, hip yet professional, and very clear that I want to be in Wichita.

And....nothing. Nothing!

My friends are stunned. My cooperating teacher is flabbergasted. How is this possible? She's a perfect fit! How could no one call her back?!


I have no choice. I accept in Ashland. I cry after I make that call.

I pack up.

I move.

I settle.

I wander for the summer.

School begins. I meet my colleagues. I get comfortable in my room. Then I meet my students.

Oh. Oh. I get it now, God. You are so right. This is totally where I belong. This is totally what I'm supposed to be doing. I love this place. I love my part in it. I love these people. I really love these kids.

I hated what He did in my life, but I obeyed. Albeit, I did it kicking and screaming, but I said yes when He said DO THIS.

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So. All that to say that I don't have answers or explanations for a lot of things right now. But I've said yes to Him in all of these situations. Granted, some of the situations took awhile. And if you think I came to Ashland with some kicking and screaming, let's just say that some of the recent kicking and screaming I've been doing could easily give that a run for its money.

--

Singleness is hard. It's good for a time, but does anyone really love singleness? Some may, but like the large majority of people I wasn't built for it. But God's asked me for singleness for some undisclosed length of time. I'm hoping it's not, you know, like ten years, but hey. It could be.

I've been hating it, but I realized after Pratt that it's just like Him sending me to Ashland.

God asked me to go into singleness. Just like I didn't want to leave Wichita, I didn't want to leave The Monolith. I really didn't want to leave The Monolith. It was safe there. It was familiar. Sure, it wasn't ideal or really encouraging my walk with God, but at least it wasn't hurting it. But No, God said. I'm sending you into singleness.

So I said yes.

And right now I feel like I'm in that sort of aimless stage where I've said my yes and I'm here but I'm not sure why yet. It hasn't been boring. My heart has reawakened and she's shown herself to be much more feisty, fickle, joyous, and pulled in strange directions than I ever thought she would be. And honestly, it feels good to be free for now, despite deeper desires. I can have fun. I can flirt again. I can make my own plans on my own timeline.

And I guess that's what I need right now. Because if I was ready for my man, God would bring him to me.

Guess I'm still settling into who I need to be for him. Guess he's still settling into who he needs to be for me. And I'm trusting that God will show us each other when we're ready for it.

'Cause I've already said yes to whatever God's got planned for me.