My 'yes' is on the table.

I said I would post, didn't I? Not sure what you're about to get, but let's figure it out together, hmm?

It's been an interesting month, folks. My poor little heart has had her ups and downs, and honestly, she's not used to this many downs. It's kind of a downer. Which.....makes sense.

But let's boil it down to one thing that I've been learning lately:

God's got it.

Oh, so simple, yet oh, so true.

Sometimes I feel like my head and heart have become a jumble of questions. The why?'s and the what if?'s and the huh?'s and the what-the-heck-are-you-doing?'s seem to be accumulating into one big pile that threatens to topple at any second.

Most of it has to do with my heart. Singleness. Timelines. Ugh. Things that I can't seem to stop wondering about and pondering and which I imagine would bore more of you to tears. Seriously? The girl is writing another post about her stinkin' heart? Can I stab my eyes out? Where'd I put that letter opener....


Ok, perhaps you're not that tired of hearing about my heart, but boy am I tired of thinking about it. And wondering about it. And chatting about it with friends. Honestly, my poor girls are the most incredible people in the world. All they ever hear is me yammering on about the struggles of my heart.

What does she struggle with? I wish I could tell you, gentle readers. I wish I could spill exact situations, intimate details, names and places, my secret thoughts and the terrible yearnings that keep me up at night. But alas (or thankfully), even I--the most confessional of people--know when to keep a lid on some things. I have learned to spill those things to perhaps three lucky/unlucky ladies. The rest of you get the somewhat diluted details. But you know what? It's not the details that are important. What's important is what I can write about.

What can I write about?

I can write about how good God is. How He's always got me in the right place. How He can take what looks like a hopeless situation and breathe life into it in a way I never knew before. How He can make hard conversations flow smoothly (even if they're still hard). How He can show me answers when I didn't think any were possible. How He can bolster my patience when I really want certain answers but they're not coming.

-

We had a forensics meet in Pratt this last weekend. After the meet we were all headed up to St. John to watch our basketball guys play in the Sub-State tournament. Well, we had about an hour to kill after grabbing a late lunch. What do we do?

The park, of course!

What does MB do?

Act like a 5 year-old, of course! Again.

Merry-go-rounds, swings, monkey bars, cherry drops, climbing trees, skipping stones, awkward nature hikes, enjoying running water, collecting shells.....little kid heaven.

Only thing is, as I'm sitting on the edge of the water watching my delightful students messing around on the other bank, one of my girls says to me, "Miss Martin, you are so cute! How are you not married yet?!"

Oh my darling girl. How often I have wondered this question to myself.

And finally, the next day a few pieces fell into place.

You know how I came to be in Ashland? Well, let me be the first to say that it was not my original choice, nor was I thrilled about the option when it was first presented to me. Hard to believe that now, but it's the truth. I came to the interview and was immediately freaked out. This place did not seem right. Too small. Too remote. Too.....much.

So I pull in every interview in Wichita I can. I call around. I peddle myself around like the cheapest hooker on South Broadway (yeah, not the greatest simile, but hey, if we're talking about Wichita . . .). I have impeccable references. A perfect GPA. I am charming, articulate, enthusiastic, hip yet professional, and very clear that I want to be in Wichita.

And....nothing. Nothing!

My friends are stunned. My cooperating teacher is flabbergasted. How is this possible? She's a perfect fit! How could no one call her back?!


I have no choice. I accept in Ashland. I cry after I make that call.

I pack up.

I move.

I settle.

I wander for the summer.

School begins. I meet my colleagues. I get comfortable in my room. Then I meet my students.

Oh. Oh. I get it now, God. You are so right. This is totally where I belong. This is totally what I'm supposed to be doing. I love this place. I love my part in it. I love these people. I really love these kids.

I hated what He did in my life, but I obeyed. Albeit, I did it kicking and screaming, but I said yes when He said DO THIS.

--

So. All that to say that I don't have answers or explanations for a lot of things right now. But I've said yes to Him in all of these situations. Granted, some of the situations took awhile. And if you think I came to Ashland with some kicking and screaming, let's just say that some of the recent kicking and screaming I've been doing could easily give that a run for its money.

--

Singleness is hard. It's good for a time, but does anyone really love singleness? Some may, but like the large majority of people I wasn't built for it. But God's asked me for singleness for some undisclosed length of time. I'm hoping it's not, you know, like ten years, but hey. It could be.

I've been hating it, but I realized after Pratt that it's just like Him sending me to Ashland.

God asked me to go into singleness. Just like I didn't want to leave Wichita, I didn't want to leave The Monolith. I really didn't want to leave The Monolith. It was safe there. It was familiar. Sure, it wasn't ideal or really encouraging my walk with God, but at least it wasn't hurting it. But No, God said. I'm sending you into singleness.

So I said yes.

And right now I feel like I'm in that sort of aimless stage where I've said my yes and I'm here but I'm not sure why yet. It hasn't been boring. My heart has reawakened and she's shown herself to be much more feisty, fickle, joyous, and pulled in strange directions than I ever thought she would be. And honestly, it feels good to be free for now, despite deeper desires. I can have fun. I can flirt again. I can make my own plans on my own timeline.

And I guess that's what I need right now. Because if I was ready for my man, God would bring him to me.

Guess I'm still settling into who I need to be for him. Guess he's still settling into who he needs to be for me. And I'm trusting that God will show us each other when we're ready for it.

'Cause I've already said yes to whatever God's got planned for me.

Hello my long, lost friends!

Oh my word my darlings. I cannot believe I have been away from you for so long.

I love you all.

I miss blogging.

My lappy is dead.

Stupid lappy.

I promise, promise, promise you that I will blog again soon.

Honestly.

At least I updated the look of the site. That's a nice change right?

Yeah, ok, I know. You want words. You want to know what's going on inside this brain of mine.

You know what? I'd love to know that too.

Hopefully I'll figure that out soon and I can let you all know here!

Hearts are not Hot Wheels

My friend led me to this song, and I am so grateful to her for it.

One, it's beautiful.

Two, it's a reminder that I have to be careful with my heart. She really wants to be captured, but sometimes she wants it so badly that she could let a man capture it who would use it up and then release it.

You know (and ladies, please feel free to chime in with an amen), I don't put my heart out to be caught and released. My heart is not part of the wildlife tagging program. I don't want a man to tag me, put me back out there, keep me on his radar, and pick me back up every three months for a check-up.

No girl does.

Pardon my phrasing, but if a lady is out there to hit it and quit it, ain't no way a man is seeing even a sliver of her heart. Hell no.

Right girls?

If my heart is out there to be caught, it better be for keeps. I'm not saying marriage. That's a lot. But she wants to be caught, kept, and learned until she's been tamed (and bravo to the man who does that-it'll take someone strong). Or until it's clear that's not who's meant to keep her.

Pardon me while I continue for a bit longer--we had an early release day, so I have extra time on my hands.

I know how good it feels to win someone's heart for the sake of winning it and NOT for the sake of keeping it. I felt wanted. I felt desired. I felt strong and powerful. And I'm not proud to admit it, but I used him.

It wasn't until years later that I realized just how wrong of me that was. That it's one thing to test the waters to see if he's a good fit. But it's another thing to know he's not one I truly want yet still flirt, cajole, whisper, and kiss (yes kiss).

I used him to pass my time.

He got hurt. Really hurt.

I'd like to say that I was able to apologize to him when I realized how badly I'd treated his heart. But, you see, I couldn't because we weren't friends anymore. He intentionally disappeared from me so I wouldn't hurt him anymore.

I still can't find him.

Why do I tell you all this, gentle readers? Well, boys and girls, it's partly because that's what I do here and partly because I hope this resonates with you in some way. We've all had our hearts touched by others and touched hearts ourselves. Some of our hearts have been mishandled. And some of us have handled the hearts of others poorly. Maybe, like me, you didn't know. I didn't think I was hurting his heart. We were having fun! He was smiling, happy, enjoying it!

I should have seen it. I wish I had.

He was too open with me. Too honest with me. Too available at all hours, too willing to drop his plans for mine, and too willing to share the deepest thoughts in his head. That wasn't just "for fun" folks. That's a boy who wanted me to keep his heart safe.

And I didn't.

He wanted me to treat it like a brand new dream car: maintained, polished, understood, and driven at maximum speed.

Instead I treated it like a Hot Wheel: fun, cute, and easy to toss aside while I played with my others.

My heart is not a Hot Wheel to be played with. Sure, she's fun, but she's fun because she's a sweet ride with all the bells and whistles. She's got some miles on her, but she's got a lot more to go.

--

In honor of that, this song (remember me mentioning a song at the beginning of the post? No? Well, it was a long time ago) perfectly illustrates what I'm talking about.

For those of you who like to play with Hot Wheels, please, please, please think about what you're doing. And for those of you who have been used, please, please, please know that your heart is precious and lovely and deserves to be loved. You're not disposable. You're lovely.

15 weeks until summer . . .

I said I was going to post this weekend. I promised. And the weekend is rapidly coming to a close. So it's post or consider myself a liar.

I'm not a liar.

Mostly because it's wrong but also because I'm bad at it. Ok, mostly because I'm bad at it. Thanks, God, for making me bad at it because I clearly lack the moral standards to do right for the sake of doing right.

The thing about saying I was going to post, however, is this:

I have no idea what to write.

My emotions have been all over the place this week.

I have gone from thinking the world of the young men and women about to enter real life to despair at the fact that they ALL have so much more growing up to do. Seriously. I was really spiraling on Thursday night, and that's rare for me. I actually had to go out and distract myself from the increasingly depressing thoughts swimming in my head.

I've giggled like an eight year old talking about her first crush with a girlfriend. The struggles of my heart lifted for a bit, and I had a chance to just enjoy chatting about boys with my friend. To have fun with the fact that I actually have crushes for the first time in a LONG time.

I have tried to help a friend going through a rough time, and run the gamut of emotions with that situation. Sympathy, pity, sorrow, frustration, exasperation, annoyance, concern. I want to help him, and I want to be there for him, but it's situations like this that show me how mean and cynical I can be sometimes. Seriously, without Jesus I would be quite mean to others.

My head and heart have been busy this week.

I've realized something.

Ok, one of my Spiritual gifts is discernment. I can see who people are at their core, what they need to grow in, and who they could potentially be.

This should be helpful in teaching because I can pinpoint things in students, help them grow, and know how to encourage them. However, sometimes my nature prompts me to overlook their faults. I just skip straight to the potential I see in them.

Naturally, they respond well to that, wouldn't you? If you were an 18 year old who's made his share of mistakes in life and no one ever lets you forget them, wouldn't you be grateful for someone new who doesn't know those things or judge you by them and sees only potential for greatness in you? Of course you would!

And, seriously, my students could be such incredible men and women.

But then a failing or a fault or a past mistake I never knew about becomes clear to me. I find myself saddened or disappointed (which is what was going on this Thursday), and I begin to lose faith in that student.

And that's awful, frankly. That mistake has always been there, but I just didn't know about it. That student is the same student she was five minutes ago BEFORE I knew about this stumbling point in her life. Why should I suddenly doubt her potential or ability?

I shouldn't, duh.

I should instead admire the changes she HAS made. I should push him to make more. I should challenge him to ask himself what he really wants to be in life. I should always expect the absolute best out of her.

...

In other news, it felt so, so, so good to just run around and chill with a friend last night. Someone in my age range. Someone I can relate to and want to talk to. I really needed that.

And I gave a lot of hugs this weekend. It felt good, honestly.

And I really like backs. Big, strong backs.

Oh, and apple butter on toast is divine.

Oh, and I used to only be attracted to brown eyes. I am now attracted to blue eyes as well.

Oh, and an extremely funny and cute movie is one called Barry Munday. It's about a man who loses his balls in an accident and then discovers he's going to have a child. So great.

...

All right, I think that covers everything I promised.

Hold your rootin' tootin' horses!

Dear rabid readers:

I will post this weekend.

In the meantime, y'all just need to chill out!

And I think a little part of my soul just died because I said y'all.

Not to offend or anything . . . but you know. Sometimes that's what I do here.

Or maybe all of the congestion in my head had impaired my ability to be sweet and kind.

Who knows?

Either way, the next post will likely involve tales from a wheezing 20-something, my switch to blue eyes, the goodness of apple butter, and a man with no balls.

Yes, you heard me.

Now I've definitely offended.

Mission: accomplished.

Until then my darlings, my Creepers, and passers-by.

I'm going to get sleeves...

Ready for something else? Hopefully.

I've always been fascinated by tattoos. Do I have any? No. Do I want any? Perhaps.

All I know is that I find many of them beautiful and interesting. Like these at Dare Devil Tattoo in New York City.

Check them out. Love them. It's like someone painted these on with a beautiful brush. Like artwork permanently affixed to your skin.

I just might go for something like that.

Apparently I have about five months to decide....

In other news, I went to the doctor yesterday and now I'm on about three different kinds of medication. Feelin' kind of weird...

But the great, great thing is that the doctor proved I'm down about 20 pounds from when I first came down here. Would you believe it? It's amazing to me too.

Keep 'em coming!

A quick post...

In case you all weren't aware, I've been pretty sick. Nasty and gross. Ick.

Today marks my third absence from school because of it.

I hate medicine. I am not a fan of going to the doctor. Clinics make me feel strange, and it always smells way too clean in them.

But I am going and braving my fear. For my kids. So they don't pine away for me.

And so I don't, you know, die?

Ah, sometimes my jokes are just for me. But if you've watched a certain Taylor Mali video then you got the joke. And probably hated the irony of my statement.

In other words, hopefully I will be on medication this afternoon and out of the land of the walking dead....

.....and zombies. Awesome.