Closed Doors

God's been doing something in my heart over the last few weeks, and I suppose, looking back, it's been a year-long process.

My heart loved where I was a year ago. I was in a long-term relationship with an incredible man. I had the coolest group of friends that any girl could ever ask for. I lived with some amazing gracious and generous people. My family was supportive, on track with each other, and keeping in touch. My church family was amazing. And school made me happy. I had finally planted. I had real, deep roots taking hold.

Then God decided that He wanted me somewhere else.

He took my relationship and stretched it and pulled it. Things felt unsettled, difficult, strange. He banged on the door to my heart and said Hey, little girl. You better take a long hard look at what I really want for your life. And then I listened. Darn it when you finally listen, huh? And I saw what He wanted for my life. And it wasn't the man I was with.

God closed that door.

He showed me a job three hours away that got my heart racing, for some reason. It fell in line perfectly. And then I was terrified. I couldn't move away! I would miss my family, my friends, my church! This couldn't be what was in store for me! So I tried, desperately, to stay. I prepped for interviews like crazy. I rehearsed in the mirror. I dressed perfectly for each, individual location. I was charming, warm, intelligent, and relaxed. They liked me, and I liked them. And no one called me back. People were shocked. I was shocked. I had nailed those interviews, people. You know the Tiger Woods arm pump? Yeah, I was doing that in the car after the interviews. NAILED them. The explanation for no calls?

God closed that door.

I've been looking at the closed doors and wondering to myself just what He's closing off. Deep inside I've always felt a pull away from Wichita. I always chalked it up to restlessness, but the more I've looked at it, the more I'm realizing that God's closing very specific doors for very specific reasons.

He's breaking my ties to the specific city of Wichita.

The bonds of friendship and church family can transcend distance. I will always be friends with the people here in Wichita. A church family will always be there for me, and we will forever be part of the big "C" church together. That tie will never be broken.

But a relationship can tie you to a location. And he and I both felt strange pulls away from Wichita, but who could have known that those pulls were meant to pull us apart, rather than away from Wichita together. And a job, well of course that can tie you to a location. God has cut very specific things for me.

I don't know about Ashland. It's where He wants me right now. But I just feel like I've run a marathon to the edge of a cliff, and I'm camping for the night before diving off the edge. Ashland is my campground. I might be jumping into a life in Ashland, who knows? But I might also be jumping into a life in Denver, Kansas City, Portland, Scotland, Ethiopia, Russia, Japan, or anywhere else in the world. He hasn't said no to anything except Wichita.

And it pains me to write that. Because I love my Wichita family so much. And I know that they want me to come back. But God doesn't want that.

I will love Wichita and what it meant to me forever.

And I will try to move forward into the unknown with courage and trust in the Lord.