I went to St. Louis with my parents. We stopped at a winery/restaurant on the way there, and no, I did not partake of the fruit of the vine. :) I hadn't been in a long time, and it was very nice. I had asparagus risotto. Delicious in my stomach, and not a hint of asparagus-flavored urine.
Woah, did she just say urine? Unfollow! Unfollow!
Yes, folks. I did. Better get used to it. This girl does not shy away from such subjects and if you find your proper sensibilities offended, best steer away from this one.
Anyway, right about here is where some lovely photos of the Missouri river and the winery should go, but the computer I'm on in St. Louis absolutely refuses to read my camera's card. So you'll have to wait until tomorrow for them.
Then we visited my aunt and uncle, where I got to see one of my four cousins (yes, I only have four cousins TOTAL) and her two kids. They were darling. Sadly, the oldest child is four years old and this was the first time I had met him.
We really don't see each other much.
After that, we got to ride the St. Louis metro to Busch Stadium to see a Cardinals game. Riding the cars made me long for New York or London and their metros. If I could ride public transit everywhere I would be so happy. But, I will enjoy my life in the small town, because I'm pretty sure I can walk to every single location in the town itself.
The Cardinals game was good. I do love baseball, and I do enjoy watching it a lot. Especially in person. However, I just don't know if I'm a Cardinals fan.
Although, and my friend A will appreciate this, the Cardinals number 13 wore his socks correctly AND his last name was Ryan. Why is that significant? Oh, only my favorite college player is pretty much the exact same, except his first name is Ryan, not his last name.
Now I'm home and musing on things. A lot of things.
Things like pain. OK, a show of hands please. By reading the above, how many of you would guess that I'm in a lot of emotional pain? That I cry myself to sleep every night? That I never, ever smile unless someone is looking at me? That I yell at God and tell Him how angry I am at Him for the way He's chosen to lay out my life in the last two months?
Well, if I had to guess, probably none of you would be able to tell those things about me by reading the above.
But they're true.
And I find myself resenting someone who I feel should be hurting just as much as I am, but "apparently" is not.
Why isn't he hurting too? How can he laugh and smile? How can he make jokes and have fun with people?
And then, only just tonight, a light bulb goes on. Well, maybe multiple light bulbs.
If no one knows what's really going on with me, how can I honestly believe that he's not going through the same thing? If he tells me he's in pain, why do I scoff and not believe him and think he's only saying that off-handedly? If I'm concealing it well in person, well then he most likely is too. And doing it better than me because I wear my emotions on my sleeve and he most certainly does not.
AND maybe it's time that I stop wanting him to be in pain. Maybe it's time to really just let it go.
I'm going to move on someday. I truly believe that God has a man out in the world for me, and that this man is going to pursue me like mad, love me deeply, and provide for me.
And you know what? He's going to move on too. And I know it will hurt. But that's what happens when someone you loved for six years begins to love someone else. Who cares if you don't want to marry him? It's still going to hurt like hell. And he'll hurt in the same way when I move on.
And I have to tell myself that it's not a contest. If he moves on first then that doesn't cheapen what we had together. God will move me forward when it's time, and I don't need to force that time so that I can have a man in my life to dull the pain that will come when an old love finds a new love.
And wouldn't you know it? I know that what I'm writing is truth and I'm STILL crying as I write this.
This was terribly long and if you made it to the end you deserve a medal. I'll give you pictures tomorrow.
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