Today was a good day. Ups and downs and side to sides. Okay, I don't even know what that means, but it seemed strange to leave "ups and downs" all by itself.
My mom went home just this morning. You know how sometimes your day is so full that what happened first in the day seems a week away by the end of the day? Like I've just lived today more than normal.
Which, frankly, is a nice feeling. The days have seemed to crawl by this last week.
This morning I had two great conversations from two wonderful ladies. My best friend from elementary school, S, and my best friend from high school, L. So, some people believe in coincidences. That's great for them, and I'm sure that they enjoy their lives that seem to fall into place willy nilly, but I don't. I mean, how have I been feeling lately? Pretty alone, huh?
And, duh, I'm not stupid. I know I'm not alone. I have lots of friends who would love to hang out with me. But sometimes in a state like this, it takes a friend or two to plunge a hand through the fog that perpetually hangs around you and wake you up. Sometimes that hand smacks you in the face, sometimes it just waves hello, and sometimes it just cups the side of your face and reassures you that everything will be OK.
And two friends with whom I do not speak regularly plunged a hand into my fog today. And they sort of woke me up. Not that they healed my heart. Far from it. But they helped me realize that I need to get out there. I am so grateful for both of them, especially L. It's a long story, but our friendship has only really revived in the last two years, and I used to beat myself up for driving away a dear friend because I "did something wrong." Turns out, the things I beat myself up over created a longer last, deeper friendship with L. It just took awhile to see it. I was so encouraged.
That motivated me to do something with my day. I talked to a lady in Ashland about her house, since I'll be buying a home instead of renting (at least, I'm about 80% sure that's what will happen).
Oh man, people. Can we all just hold our collective breath, cross our fingers and toes, and pray fervently that this house is as good as it sounds? Even when I imagine the house with all the reality I can shove into my ever-optimistic brain I keep coming up with the cutest place to live, ever. If it weren't for the fact that all this is, you know, OPEN on the internet, I'd post the address for you so you could look at it on Google maps and see the street view of this place.
The outside of the house is entirely built out of this reddish stone with cream stripes. Not a strip of siding, wood, or brick in sight. Two stories. Separate garage with a carport. Cute landscaping on the sides. A porch with a porch swing. Now, as some of you may know, houses these days are not built with adequate porches at all. Not this house. Oh no. This house has that full, cover-the-entire-front-of-the-house kind of porch. The one with the large posts on either side of the house, the ledges of stone, and the stairs leading up to the house.
I think my heart just skipped a beat. Didn't yours?
Hello? Are you tracking with me?
Anyway, inside the house are two bedrooms, one-and-a-half baths, a large living room, a great kitchen, a sort-of finished basement, and all the appliances I could want.
That's right. If you're still reading this then you've just realized the best part: I won't have to buy a single thing for the house. Washer. Dryer. Refrigerator. Stove. Microwave. Lawnmower. 100-year-old dining room table. Oh yeah, did you catch that? I could get furniture with it too!
Ok. I need to take a second to breathe. Pause. Calm down.
Maybe I'll visit this subject later. My head is on a one-way track to the clouds and if I don't stop it I won't be able to get it out for the rest of this post.
That's right. REST of this post. Maybe you should get a snack. Take a bathroom break.
Tonight I changed my mind about hanging out with some friends. I had originally said no. Mostly because I was not interested in the movie we were seeing, Prince of Persia. Then again, I saw it with my mother last night and it was fun. Cheesy. Not fantastic. But fun.
So, even though I saw it last night, I decided to head over to my friend MW's. It was so good to hang out with her and a few other friends. We enjoyed some tasty salad, burgers, Kool-Aid, brownies and ice cream, then headed over to the Warren Theatre for some movie action. We were joined by four other people and soon we had an entire cadre of people.
Can I admit something to you all? And it's even hard for me to say it, but I've resolved to be honest here, no matter what.
I was glad to be single this evening.
No worrying about sitting next to a guy. No wondering if I'm talking too much to any one person in particular and whether I should spread it out. The chance to chat with my single lady friends about this guy and that guy (and I promise it was not gossip). The freedom to hand out a smile here and there without worrying whether or not it would be taken as flirting.
And no. No fireworks. It's not like I met someone tonight and fell hard for him. But I had fun. I've had lots of fun. But it's been six-and-a-half years since I've had fun like that.
And yes. Driving home, alone, I still got a pang in my stomach. Not from guilt. Not from fear. Just from loneliness. From a habit built of years of grabbing my cell phone first thing when I'm on the car ride home. My immediate debrief at the end of the day with the man I'm sharing my life with.
But for an unknown stretch of time there will be no debriefs. No sharing. Just me, riding in the car, alone. Hopefully someday soon I will relish that time, but for now, I wish I could just go straight from fun and people to asleep in my bed.
And speaking of that (and if you're still reading you deserve a prize), I better head that way. Tomorrow is another busy day.
No comments:
Post a Comment