Holding On To Worship

Yes, it is 4:30 in the morning. Yes, I am awake. But I am awake because an evening nap ended up becoming my "sleep" for the night, so now my body is ready to start the day. Moving on.

I rediscovered a worship song that I used to listen to incessantly. It's called Rescue, and it's by a worship band called The Desperation Band. I loved it for many reasons at the time, but I'm loving it for new reasons now. I love the way a worship song or a passage from God's Word can speak to my life in multiple seasons.

I'm apprehensive about moving for multiple reasons (and don't worry, this is not a random leap to a different subject. It will tie in . . .). I don't know anyone in this small town. I will be one of three people my age, so friendships will look much different. I'll have many older women trying to set me up with men in the town. I'll be a first year teacher for kids who have all been in the same class since they were in diapers. Take your pick.

But another apprehension is finding a church. I know that I need to throw in with people and really commit to a church while I'm in Ashland, but I'm nervous about it. I grew up in a church that is very similar to what I might find in Ashland. But while in college I found that my heart really responded and grew in a church that focused on small group ministry, real-life application, and a worship band.

Now, growing up, I will admit it, I scoffed at Christian music. Granted, at the time, contemporary Christian looked much different than it does now, but I still look back on my attitude about it and shake my head. Worship music was for super Jesus freaks who played boring and unoriginal music, always in the keys of E, G, D, or C and always with the same chord progressions.

Then I came to what would become my home church here in Wichita and saw that there was a band on the stage. No organ to be seen. There was a piano, but no one was playing it at the time. And I prepared myself for some corny, unoriginal music. And then they started playing Switchfoot's "This is Your Life," which I had never heard before and was captivated by. This was Christian music?! Seriously? I loved it. And I realized that worshiping the King could be more than a choir with an organ, and it could satisfy my love of "good" music--a relative term, to be sure.

And I began to grow in my appreciation of it. My voice and my love of using it finally found an outlet. I learned how to translate reading piano music into reading chords, figuring out how to comp and fill. I figured out how to add violin lines to songs and improvise. I threw my heart into worship. I played in many places with many different people and fell in love every time.

I became a woman who lost herself in the music. Me! A girl who used to be plagued by stage fright in high school--though that never stopped me from performing. I grew as a musician, as a leader, as a lover of Christ, and in my understanding of Him.

I feel like the last six months saw a growth in my appreciation and understanding of what it means to lead worship that I could never have foreseen. Part of it was being led well by men who really strive to understand the heart of worship. Part of it was letting go of the last of my hangups about sounding "pretty" while onstage. Part of it was God sucking me deeper into relationship with Him. I began leading songs without inhibition.

Perhaps if you're not a performer you may not understand this next thought, but there are times when you play/sing and song and it goes well, but then there are times that who you are as a musician connects powerfully with a song and it goes places you never thought of. Well, that started happening when I would sing. I lost myself in songs like "Revelation Song" by Kari Jobe and "Praise the Lord" by Kristene Mueller.

On a side note, this song has walked me through a lot recently.



And now I'm going somewhere where this kind of worship doesn't exist. I'm scared that I'll lose it somehow (which is ridiculous, of course) or that I won't be able to start it (which is a real possibility).

One of the things I already miss most about my college ministry is the worship team. So much talent, so much love for Christ, and such a thirst to discover new things and really engage peoples' hearts in worship. And I'm going to miss playing worship for my church as well. One of the things I pray for is that God would lead me to people or a place where I can worship Him in this way.

But at least I can thank Him for the internet and the ability to find new worship music and worship on my own until He shows me what's in store.